Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 20 September 2022

Do Not Walk Into Class

Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, “Billy, do not walk into class late again."
The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, “Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late?"
Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk into class late."

Replacing Quasimodo

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word throughout Paris that a new bell-ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews in the belfry. Several applicants demonstrated their skills, when a lone, armless ma came in and said he was there to apply for the bell-ringer’s job.The incredulous bishop said, “But you have no arms!”“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody. The astonished bishop listened and knew he had found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.But suddenly, the armless man tripped, and plunged out the belfry window to his death.When the stunned bishop reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. One of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?” “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but this face rings a bell.”Despite the sad event, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell-ringer of Notre Dame. The first applicant said, “Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as he prepared to ring the bells the man groaned and clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?,” the first monk asked breathlessly. “Who is this man?”“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Code word

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone had commiteed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalk in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the Mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week!"

Kiss

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?
"No, I don't," said the little boy
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"      

Was the Reign of Terror peacef...

Was the Reign of Terror peaceful? It was a blood-loss revolution, after all.

Anthony Jeselnik: Gift for Who?

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me. And I said, If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.

Little Emily was complaining t...

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

Jeff Dunham: Sissy-ness of the Law

Walter: I aint afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles? How intimidating is this: Alright buddy, pull it over. Ching-ching-ching? What do they do when they arrest somebody? Alright, get in the basket.

Dark

Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says, "I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe."

The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

Yo Mama so old...

Yo Mama so old her social security # is 1.

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

Highly Religious Horse

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

A woman went to a computer dat...

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

The Single Guy...

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" She replies "because you're ugly."