Jokes of the day for Sunday, 04 December 2022

Biblical flood stories tend to

Biblical flood stories tend to have a certain narrative Ark.

The Pastor's Mother and the Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired."No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.

Holiday Help

"How's the new turkey you hired on as temp IT Assistant?"
"Well, she's good at de-bugging, and works for chickenfeed. But her typing is atrocious--all she can do is hunt & peck."

Blind date

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Medicare Coverage

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

One day an engineer dies.He wa...

One day an engineer dies.He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners.When he went to heaven he met God. God says "Go to hell, you're not on my list."
So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hell the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you dont let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You dont even have lawyers up there!"

Chuck Norris doesn't read book...

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

In Wales, after a road acciden...

In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.

A prisoner in jail receives a ...

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Colin Quinn: New Yorkers Take a Compliment

You can always tell who was raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Nice haircut. Screw you. Whats wrong with it?

Worms

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

A skeleton walks ...

A skeleton walks down empty Main Street. Suddenly he sees another skeleton carrying a gravestone. "Hey, what are you doing?” the other skeleton answers "Just strolling", "Why do have the gravestone, buddy?", "Because I always want to have some ID”.

A grocer put up a sign that re...

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each — three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

From Dust to Dust

After church, Robbie tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Robbie says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

A kindergarten student was hav...

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the correct feet. The little boy then announced, "These aren't my boots." The teacher sighed and pulled the boots off.
The boy then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to wrestle the boots back onto his feet. "Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"
The boy replied, "I stuffed them in my boots...."