Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 December 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 December 2022 |
A Faithful Woman
An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"Sibling lessons
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."
Smashing The Cigarettes
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."
The man accused of genocide sa...
The man accused of genocide said he was only following orders. The authorities dismissed his defense as a massacre-aide.Police officer pulled this ...
Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the...
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet, he has every site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A: They can't remember the number.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Belated confession
A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," said the priest. "That's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me $20 for every week he stayed," the man explained.
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause," the priest replied.
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind,” the man said. “I have one more question, though."
"What is that, my son?" the priest inquired.
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Double Martini
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place
Im from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, Hey, whered you grow up? Im like, Long Island. And hes like, Loser. Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. Im like, Ive seen the ocean. Game over. Growing Wild
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
A sad-faced Doug walked into a...
A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.
"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
Ben Bailey: Slow People in the Subway
The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and Im trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. Its been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway? 
