Jokes of the day for Friday, 27 January 2023

Old Watch

My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.

I asked her, "Does it tell the time?"

My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."

Zen Sarcasm, Part 3

1. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
2. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
3. Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
4. A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
5. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
6. I feel like I'm parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
7. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.-

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINTUES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

From,

THE MANAGEMENT

If you think we have the same

If you think we have the same body temperature, I'd degree with you.

Patton Oswalt: The Apocalypse

Were probably going to die in the f**king apocalypse, but you know whats kind of exciting about that is that if the apocalypse actually goes down -- and I mean the f**king biblical apocalypse -- and if that starts to happen -- I mean, like, the ground opening up and demons flying out and gnawing on your flesh -- it means a couple of things. One: It means that Im wrong, and there is God and there is an afterlife. Two: It means that since there is an afterlife, you will be in the f**king VIP section of the afterlife.

A new soldier was on sentry du...

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Three Policemen at the Pearly Gates

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“I was a police officer,” he responded.“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”

Bum Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"To apply, push up bottom."

I finally got one over

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

Graduation Speech

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I wanted to take hom...

“I wanted to take home the left-overs from the BBQ, but someone else foiled my plans.”

Two sisters, one blonde and on...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?"
The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow."

Few fresh jokes to start weekend with laugh

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date, try mentioning Global Warming
It's a huge Icebreaker

The female janitor at work keeps asking me if I want to smoke a joint with her.
I always say no because I simply can’t handle High, maintenance woman.

Someone asked me why I always go to the bathroom alone…
I’m just not a pee pal person.

5 out of 6 experts agree that it’s perfectly safe
to play Russian Roulette.

I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools so that children can't eat?"
"Canteens?" he asked.
"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.

I sold my vacuum a few days ago
All it was really doing was there collecting dust.

English lessons

A missionary suddenly realizes that the one thing he hasn't yet taught the natives he serves is how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle.

He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief: "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other.

"How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands.

"My bike," the chief replies.