Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 February 2023

Nigerian online scam artists a

Nigerian online scam artists are actually based in E-gypt.

Calming Tropical Fish

Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.
Must be all the indoor-fins.

The Baseball Playoffs are On!

Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Yom Kippur, but tonight the Yankees are in the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life-long Yankees fan. I've got to watch the Yankees game on TV."Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for." Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Yom Kippur?"

The End Of The Ham

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.

Her friend asked her,”Why did you cut off the end of the ham”?

And she replied ,”I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”

Her grandmother replied, “Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan.”

In a crowded city at a crowded...

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!!!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."

A woman goes into a sporting g...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a re

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:
"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)

Knock Knock Collection 143

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Othello!
Othello who?
Othello you thalked to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Otis!
Otis who?
Otis a sin to tell a lie!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know you're telling the truth?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oewn!
Owen who?
Owen you open this door, I'm going to give you such a roasting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owl!
Owl who?
Owl Aboard!

husband, while on a business t...

husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her."

Define embarrassment

Q. What's the definition of embarrassment?

A. Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking your nose.

April Fool's Day Prank - Stock your refrigerator ...

Stock your refrigerator with a terrifying "head" in a jar.

Dumb Johnny is sitting i...

Dumb Johnny is sitting in class. His teacher, Miss Izakunteetair hates Dumb Johnny. She always puts him in the back of the class and can't stand dealing with him 'cause he's such a fuckin' idiot.
Miss Izakunteetair: OK children, today's word is definitely. Can anyone show me that they know the definition of the word 'definitely' by using it in a sentence?"
A few of the kids raise their hands, including Dumb Johnny who seems very impatient and eager to answer the question. The teacher calls on Suzie instead. Suzie answers " The grass is definitely green." The teacher responds, "Well, we can't say that that's definitely true because sometimes the grass is brown so, good try but...anyone else?" Again, several student hands go up, including
Dumb Johnny's. The mean ol' teacher makes a point of not choosing
Johnny. She instead calls on Jake, another jerk. Jake says, "My Mom is definitely the best cook in the world!" Teacher "Well, that's your opinion. There are other people who think that their Mom is the best cook in the world. It's true for you but it may not be true for everyone so we can't say that it's 'definitely' true." Johnny is still raising his hand eagerly and never being called on. All the kids try and all the kids fail until the Teacher has no choice, she finally calls on Dumb Johnny. "Oh all right! Johnny. Tell me something that's definitely true." Dumb Johnny says, "OK. But first I have to ask you a question." Teacher (sighing) "Whaaat?"
Johnny "Do farts have lumps?" Teacher "Of course not! Everyone knows that! Farts do not have lumps!" Johnny "Oh, OK. Then I definitely shit my pants."

2 Government Mechanical Engineers...

Bill and Bob, two Government mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said Bob, 'But we don't have a ladder.'
The woman said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches' and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed.
'Ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?' he said.
'We need the height and she gave us the length!'
Bob and Ray are still working for the Government.

Waiter, I'd like some...

"Waiter, I'd like some chicken. The younger the better."
"Good, I'll bring you an egg!"

I wasn't originally...

“I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.”