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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 21 February 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 21 February 2023

How Many Does It Take? - 1132, 1133, 1134

A sampling of the best lightbulb jokes

Q. How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Seven. One to change the lightbulb, one to say the opening prayer, one to say the closing prayer, and four to bring green Jell-o salads and red punch.

Q. How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We can't know.

Q. How many motivational speakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One to do it, and every other one on earth to stand around saying that they did it first in the 80's.

Q. How many deists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. If the light bulb no longer interferes with the world, why bother interfering with the light bulb?

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 2.18/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (11)

My Kids on Ebay

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.26/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (19)

SLIDESHOW #8 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Competition at the retirement home

An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.

Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.

One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.

"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"

"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."

"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"

Country night

"Parkinson's."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 25 May 2021
  • Currently 6.65/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (23)

You CAN take it with you?

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 10 March 2017
  • Currently 8.48/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (33)

What's your Stan

What's your Stans on Central Asia?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 November 2015
  • Currently 2.18/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (11)

Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 21 February 2011
  • Currently 7.08/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (51)

Jody and Sara live in the swam...

Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana.
One day Sara came up missing.

It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara."

"What is the bad news", asks Jody?

"We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead."

"Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody?

The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crab off her, we decided to leave for another 3 days and run her again."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 21 February 2011
  • Currently 3.78/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (49)

Cotton Candy

So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn.

He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast as possible.

The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, it's really not healthy to eat all that candy."

The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old."

The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 February 2013
  • Currently 5.26/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (50)

Another wife?

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 21 February 2009
  • Currently 7.21/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (42)

Ploughing The Land


A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 February 2013
  • Currently 5.85/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (40)

The Wedding Proposal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”He slipped the priest the cash and walked away.The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said,” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.”After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 August 2022
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Nuns Confessional

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts.

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My right hand."

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"

The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"

The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 October 2010
  • Currently 7.37/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (51)

John Smith started the day ear...

John Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG), and put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO), to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN JAPAN), filled it with GAS (from SAUDI ARABIA) to continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA)...
And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

And now he is hoping he can get help from the president (MADE IN KENYA)?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 January 2016
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Special gift

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 August 2013
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (11)

A pastor's wife was expecting...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 May 2015
  • Currently 8.49/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (45)

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