Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 22 February 2023
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 22 February 2023 |
Too Tired To Think
8am: Too tired to think.
Noon: Too tired to think.
5pm: Too tired to think.
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?
Is it true women like men who
Is it true women like men who yawn?Splitting the Offering
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were having a discussion about how they split the offering money between the church and God. The rabbi said, "I take a piece of string, make a circle on my desk with it, and throw up the offering plate. Whatever goes inside the circle goes to God, and whatever falls outside the circle goes to the church." The minister said, "Well, that's not bad, but I have a better way. I halve my entire office with a piece of string, and stand next to it. I throw up the offering plate, and whatever goes on the right side of the string goes to God, and whatever goes on the left side goes to the church." The priest nodded, then said, "Well, that sounds pretty good, but we have a foolproof way of splitting the offering. I stand in the middle of my office, throw up the offering plate, and yell, "Keep what you want!""Competition at the retirement home
An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.
One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.
"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"
"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."
"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"
"Parkinson's."
What guys really mean...
'I'm going fishing.'Really means... 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety.'
'It's a guy thing.'
Really means.... 'There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making
it logical.'
'Can I help with dinner?'
Really means... 'Why isn't it already on the table?'
'Uh huh,' 'Sure, honey,' or 'Yes, dear.'
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
'It would take too long to explain.'
Really means... 'I have no idea how it works.'
'I'm getting more exercise lately.'
Really means... 'The batteries in the remote are dead.'
'We're going to be late.'
Really means... 'Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like
a maniac.'
'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.'
Really means....'I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner.'
'That's interesting, dear.'
Really means... 'Are you still talking?'
'Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.'
Really means... 'I forgot our anniversary again.'
'You expect too much of me.'
Really means... 'You want me to stay awake?'
'That's women's work.'
Really means... 'It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.'
'You know how bad my memory is.'
Really means... 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday.'
'Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.'
Really means... 'I have severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt.'
'I do help around the house.'
Really means... 'I once put a dirty towel in the laundry
basket.'
'Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.'
Really means... 'I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty
soon.'
'I can't find it.'
Really means... 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless.'
'What did I do this time?'
Really means... 'What did you catch me doing?'
'I heard you.'
Really means... 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at
me.'
'You look terrific.'
Really means... 'Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit. I'm starving.'
'I missed you.'
Really means... 'I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper.'
'I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.'
Really means... 'I'm lost. I have no idea where we are,
and no one will ever see us alive again.'
'We share the housework.'
Really means... 'I make the messes, you clean them up.'
'This relationship is getting too serious.'
Really means... 'You're cutting into the time I spend with
my truck.'
'I don't need to read the instructions.'
Really means... 'I am perfectly capable of screwing it up
without printed help.'
A husband is at home watching...
![A husband is at home watching...](/jokes-archive/2015/02/22/A-husband-is-at-home-watching.jpg.400.jpg)
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
Pupil: Please Miss, would you...
![Pupil: Please Miss, would you...](/jokes-archive/2009/02/22/Pupil-3A-Please-Miss-2C-would-you-.jpg.400.jpg)
Teacher: No, Of course not!!
Pupil: Oh good, Because i haven't done my homework!!!
A woman was out golfing one da...
![A woman was out golfing one da...](/jokes-archive/2011/02/22/A-woman-was-out-golfing-one-da-.jpg.400.jpg)
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warrned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Sam has been in business for 2...
![Sam has been in business for 2...](/jokes-archive/2015/02/22/Sam-has-been-in-business-for-2-.jpg.400.jpg)
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
Entrance Exam
A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"
The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven."
"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees.
The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"
Damon Wayans: Bicycle Cop
![Damon Wayans: Bicycle Cop](/jokes-archive/2011/10/21/Damon-Wayans-3A-Bicycle-Cop.jpg.400.jpg)
What Their Daddy's Do
![What Their Daddy's Do](/jokes-archive/2012/01/08/What-Their-Daddy-27s-Do.jpg.400.jpg)
Little Mary went first,
“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”
“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane
“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is dead” says Johnny
“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”
“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”
Greg Giraldo: High Self-Esteem
![Greg Giraldo: High Self-Esteem](/jokes-archive/2011/03/16/Greg-Giraldo-3A-High-Self-Esteem.jpg.400.jpg)
If you are hotter than me
![If you are hotter than me](/jokes-archive/2015/07/27/If-you-are-hotter-than-me.jpg.400.jpg)
Parents explaining body parts
![Parents explaining body parts](/jokes-archive/2015/12/21/A-family-is-at-the-dinner-tabl.jpg.400.jpg)
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers.
“Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”