Jokes of the day for Sunday, 05 March 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 05 March 2023 |
When Kids Rewrite Songs
"God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb!”"O Susanna, O don’t you cry for me; for I come from Alabama with a Band-Aid on my knee!”
"Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the whole East Coast.”
"We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.”
A Run Home
Tommy: "Oh no, it's a run home!"
Suzy: "Don't you mean a home run?"
Tommy: "No, I really do mean a run home. I just hit he ball through Mr. Johnson's window!"
The good, the bad and the ugly...
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give 'the birds and the bees' talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections
Three old men
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."
An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until 9:00."
Bill Burr: What Cubicles Say
You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, You know what? We dont think youre smart enough for an office, but we dont want you to look at anybody. Jon Lajoie: Mysteries of the Universe
I have this thing that I do called Mysteries of the Universe, when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor. I Dare You
At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."
Pope has email
The Vatican has unveiled a email address for the new Pope.In related news, the Pope has received a confidential financial offer from the President of Nigeria.
17 Labor Day Jokes to enjoy Monday Off
Labor Day always falls on the first Monday in September, have some jokes during 3 day weekend
Is Aunty Diane having her baby today?
Why did you think she is about to give birth?
Because you said today was Labor Day!
When is Labor Day?
About 9 months after Father’s Day.
Do you know, most people don't have to work today, because it's Labor Day.
If people are not working, shouldn’t we call today "No-Labor Day?"
What do you call a hobbit throwing a Labor Day party?
It’s just a little get-together.
Why do the employees get sick on Labor Day Weekend?
Weakened immune system.
Happy Labor Day!
Oh wait… we live on a farm. Never mind!
I told my coworker I was going skydiving labor day weekend and he asked how many feet I was diving from.
I looked down at my feet, "Just these two".
Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open on Labor Day?
They are key workers.
Why are zombies free labor?
They don’t need a living wage.
What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?
Fission Chips.
Why did ancient Egyptians have a hard time recruiting laborers?
It was a pyramid scheme.
What do you call a sick co-worker?
Staff infection.
What do you call a snake that works for the Government?
A Civil Serpent.
How did a calendar factory worker get fired?
He took a day off on Labor Day.
Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking.
What is the day when most Babies are born?
Well, it’s Labor Day.
Most people enjoy a day off on Labor Day except for fire…
Fire works on the Labor Day.
A Smart Response
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. 'I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you,' she pointed out.
'Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,' I said.
She looked mystified. 'How do you figure?'
'I married better,' I replied.
Two guys are out hiking. All o...
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
Judge to prospective juror...
Judge to prospective juror: "And why do you wish to be excused from serving on this jury?" "Your honor, it's because I don't believe in capital punishment and I don't want my personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course."
"Madam, this is not a murder trial. It's a civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $25,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay. I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Wish Comes True
Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. “The next day she bought him an electric guitar.” A Texan was taking a taxi tour...
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
