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Jokes of the day for Friday, 10 March 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 10 March 2023

Nice Caboose

I took the train to NYC today and the conductor paid me the nicest compliment as I was boarding...
They said, “First class rear..."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Sizing up the opportunity

A man walks into a bar with a monkey in tow. The man sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and watches the man's monkey run around along the bar.

The monkey grabs a peanut and swallows it whole, then grabs a slice a lime and swallows that whole.

Finally, the monkey jumps onto a pool table, grabs the cue ball and manages to shove it in his mouth then swallow it whole as well. The bartender asks the man, "You see what your monkey's done?"

The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells the man and the man apologizes, pays for the damage done and leaves with his monkey.

The bartender doesn't see the man at the bar for a month, but the man does return with the same monkey in tow.

The man asks for a beer, and the bartender obliges. The monkey proceeds to jump up on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butt then takes it out and swallows it whole.

The bartender says to the man, "You see what your monkey's done?!"

The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells him.

The man replies, "Yeah, he does that now...After the cue ball he checks to make sure he can get it out before he swallows it."

#joke #walksintoabar #animal #monkey #fruit #cherry #drinks #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Conversion Dilemma

A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his."Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason with him!"The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."To two men started praying: "Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue. Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?"A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 November 2018
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (20)

Like son like father....

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

#joke #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 March 2017
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Call me a pervert, but I once

Call me a pervert, but I once enjoyed watching a chickpea. Does that make me hummus sexual?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 November 2015
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

If God Had Voice Mail

Thank you for calling heaven.
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 March 2011
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (53)

Should Have Glasses

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 March 2018
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (52)

In a certain suburban neighbor

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy’s nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
#joke #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 March 2019
  • Currently 8.49/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (45)

I Want This Done Right

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."

The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 March 2015
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (42)

Hear about the blond

Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 March 2012
  • Currently 6.49/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (41)

Who discovered we could get milk from cows?

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

Billy Connolly (November 24 1942-)

Picture: NEWSTEAM

#joke #short #animal #cow #drinks #milk
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 21 April 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Olive

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."      

#joke #blonde #food #olive
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 July 2021
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (16)

Just once, I want to wake...

Just once, I want to wake up monday morning, turn on the news and hear: "Monday been canceled go back to bed!"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 June 2015
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

The Lawn

A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps nagging him to mow the lawn. Finally, in between nags he blurts out, "Answer just this one question for me."
She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity to say, "You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat grass. But a Deer's excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps...why is that?"
His wife says, "I don't know."
He replies, "Well then, how can you bring up the subject of the lawn, when it's obvious you don't know sh*t?"    

#joke #animal #horse #cow #deer #food #pie
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 03 August 2015
  • Currently 4.77/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (13)

God, Adam, Eve, a Dog and a Cat

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.'
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.......

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 September 2018
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

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