Jokes of the day for Saturday, 11 March 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 11 March 2023 |
What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian." Sizing up the opportunity
A man walks into a bar with a monkey in tow. The man sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and watches the man's monkey run around along the bar.
The monkey grabs a peanut and swallows it whole, then grabs a slice a lime and swallows that whole.
Finally, the monkey jumps onto a pool table, grabs the cue ball and manages to shove it in his mouth then swallow it whole as well. The bartender asks the man, "You see what your monkey's done?"
The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells the man and the man apologizes, pays for the damage done and leaves with his monkey.
The bartender doesn't see the man at the bar for a month, but the man does return with the same monkey in tow.
The man asks for a beer, and the bartender obliges. The monkey proceeds to jump up on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butt then takes it out and swallows it whole.
The bartender says to the man, "You see what your monkey's done?!"
The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells him.
The man replies, "Yeah, he does that now...After the cue ball he checks to make sure he can get it out before he swallows it."
The mirror...
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldomsaw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin'around with!"
Star Wars factoid: Back in col
Star Wars factoid: Back in college, he worked in the Imperial Pub, and was known as Darth Waiter.A Rare Book
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
Nuns on the Highway
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
One morning the phone rang at ...
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?""No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
Mike Vecchione: Private Detective School
I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case. Demetri Martin: Stutter
One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think thats a bad thing, but to me thats just like starting certain words with a drum roll. Thats not an impediment, thats suspense. 
We all have times when life feels hard
We all have times when life feels hard; when we’re frustrated and tired and just want to hide away. If that’s you right now, don’t worry – every caterpillar has to rest to become a butterfly and you’ll soon find your wings again. In the mean time, let your Angels wrap you in theirs. You are so loved.
Lovely Child
My wife said she'd like to have another baby...
I agreed. The one we have is starting to annoy me.
Shoe-recycling shop
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.
It was sole-destroying
Author: Alex Horne, Joke was second on August 2013 on Fringe’s best one-liner prize
Job application
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment. Not sure if they hired him....
NAME - Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION - Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD - Reclining on my mom's couch.
SALARY - Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any
PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
