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Jokes of the day for Monday, 24 April 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 24 April 2023

Scream Day Jokes

April 24th is #ScreamDay, created to bring awareness to the benefits of screaming. #Scream some #jokes!

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…
The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”

What's long, thick, black, and can make you scream?
A tornado

I like to lick women until they scream
Usually only takes one lick.

My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off
I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.

What do you call a guy in a nascar screaming slurs?
Speed Racist.

#ScreamDay #ScreamDay2023

#joke
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 9.44/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (9)

Party Hardy

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Angry Witch

Q. What do you call an angry Witch?
A. Ribbit
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 August 2018
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (13)

What would you like for your birthday....

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

#joke #short #food #dinner
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 May 2017
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (28)

Which breed of dog is expert a...

Which breed of dog is expert at home repairs? A caulker spaniel.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 March 2010
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

David Alan Grier: Stopped Smoking Reefer

I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 April 2011
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (86)

Ant and a grasshopper

THE ORIGINAL VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN CANADIAN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green.

"Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.

#joke #policeman #animal #frog #ant #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 April 2012
  • Currently 4.97/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (61)

An office exec was interviewin...

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 24 April 2017
  • Currently 8.46/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (50)

Stuff Happens

Tao: Stuff happens.
Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.
Protestantism: Let stuff happen to somebody else.
Judasim: Why does stuff always happen to us?
Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah.
Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion.
Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?
Hinduism: This stuff happened before.
Mormonism: This stuff should multiply.
Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner.
Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff.
Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff.
Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member mytmouse57

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 April 2010
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (46)

Gabriel Iglesias: Tear It Up

Im a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 April 2010
  • Currently 3.72/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (46)

We all have times when life feels hard

We all have times when life feels hard; when we’re frustrated and tired and just want to hide away. If that’s you right now, don’t worry – every caterpillar has to rest to become a butterfly and you’ll soon find your wings again. In the mean time, let your Angels wrap you in theirs. You are so loved.
~Anna Taylor

#joke #animal #butterfly
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 June 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

The Flies

Tourist: "The flies are awfully thick around here. Don’t you ever shoo them?"
Native: "Nope, we just let them go barefoot."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 March 2020
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Blond - Closet

Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

A: Last years hide and go seek winner.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 October 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

A six-year-old boy called his...

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
#joke #short #sport #football
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 January 2017
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

A young blonde was on vacation...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
#joke #blonde #animal #alligator #sport #swimming
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 21 July 2015
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

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