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Jokes of the day for Monday, 24 April 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 24 April 2023

Scream Day Jokes

April 24th is #ScreamDay, created to bring awareness to the benefits of screaming. #Scream some #jokes!

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…
The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”

What's long, thick, black, and can make you scream?
A tornado

I like to lick women until they scream
Usually only takes one lick.

My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off
I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.

What do you call a guy in a nascar screaming slurs?
Speed Racist.

#ScreamDay #ScreamDay2023

#joke
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

Party Hardy

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (15)

SLIDESHOW #50 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Angry Witch

Q. What do you call an angry Witch?
A. Ribbit
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 August 2018
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (13)

Funny video of the day - Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm...

Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm... - He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

What would you like for your birthday....

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 May 2017
  • Currently 9.15/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (27)

Which breed of dog is expert a...

Which breed of dog is expert at home repairs? A caulker spaniel.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 March 2010
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

David Alan Grier: Stopped Smoking Reefer

I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 April 2011
  • Currently 4.15/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (84)

Ant and a grasshopper

THE ORIGINAL VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN CANADIAN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green.

"Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 April 2012
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (58)

An office exec was interviewin...

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 24 April 2017
  • Currently 8.43/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (49)

Stuff Happens

Tao: Stuff happens.
Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.
Protestantism: Let stuff happen to somebody else.
Judasim: Why does stuff always happen to us?
Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah.
Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion.
Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?
Hinduism: This stuff happened before.
Mormonism: This stuff should multiply.
Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner.
Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff.
Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff.
Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member mytmouse57

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 April 2010
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (44)

Gabriel Iglesias: Tear It Up

Im a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 April 2010
  • Currently 3.64/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (44)

Pork at a July 4th Picnic

A priest and a rabbi met at the annual July 4th picnic. They were old friends and loved to tease one another. "This baked ham is really good,” said the priest. “You really ought to break down and try some.”"I will, I will,” replies the rabbi, smiling, “at your wedding.”
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 July 2018
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (22)

Harry was finally a groom and...

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, "Congratulations Harry! I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life."
"But sir", said Harry, a little bit confused, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
"Yeah, I know," said his boss.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 December 2016
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

The strong young man at the co...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 June 2010
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (46)

OMG, i haven't seen my friends since

OMG, i haven't seen my friends since last year.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 January 2016
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

The Lord Will Save Me!

It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 June 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

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