Jokes of the day for Saturday, 13 May 2023

Teen

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19. His name was Constant Teen.

At the age of 65 my Grandma started walking 10 kilometers a day.
She’s 92 now and we have no idea where she is.

My North Korean Friend

I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.
He said he can’t complain.

Letter to a Nosey Mom

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit, so you can know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!  

Muldoon Mourns his Mutt...

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish country side with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Horoscope humor...

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
ER, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned- out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

I went camping with my brother...

I went camping with my brother and made fun of his shelter. After that he remained diss tent with me.

The Happy Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

A woman was sure that her husb...

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.

A Saudi Prince went to Germany...

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

Rosary and Two Martinis

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Ecumenical Greenbacks

My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties.

Pineapple Jokes

June 27th is nternational Pineapple Day! Find some jokes about it!

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple.

Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.

What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass ...
is gonna get a punch.

A man goes to the doctor with a pineapple in his nose and bananas in his ears.
He says, "Doctor, what’s wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Isn’t it obvious? You’re not eating properly."

What is a bank card’s favourite fruit?
A PIN-apple.

Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple?
Because he couldn’t get a date.

Why was the pineapple all alone?
Because the banana split.

My sister said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a pineapple in her face.

What do you get when you mix a pineapple with a snake?
Ananas-conda.

Where do you get pineapple milk from?
From its pinenipples.

A person was hit by a bus after he claimed pineapple goes with pizza.
Also, I lost my bus license today.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN’s particle accelerator.
Discovered the Piña Collider.

#PineappleDay #InternationalPineappleDay

The toilet at my local police...

The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. The cops have nothing to go on.

Ted walks into a bar and shout...

Ted walks into a bar and shouts out, "So... who's the strongest person in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says, "I am the strongest person around these parts!"
Ted politely asks, "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

Senior Guessing

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!”
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!”