Jokes of the day for Thursday, 22 June 2023

Few new short jokes

I had a joke about bowling...
But I'll Spare you.

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

Did you know there are no smiles in Canada?
Only skilometers.

My wife demanded I stop taking Viagra each morning before I leave for the office, and replace it with Omega-3 and B vitamins.
She wants me to work smarter, not harder.

I was kicked out of music school accused of theft
, I was only taking notes.

I just saw a sign that made me piss myself.
'Toilet Closed.'

I have successfully managed to weigh a rainbow,
turns out it was pretty light.

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house...
But the kids still get in!

Did you hear about the little boy who swallowed some coins and was admitted to hospital.
When the doctor did his rounds, he asked the nurse how he was doing. The nurse said there was 'no change.

Get Better Soon

I just got my boyfriend a 'get better soon' card.
He isn't sick, I just think he can get better.

If the Pilgrims Were Alive

In class, the teacher was trying desperately to get the students to think. He asked, “If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?”One student quickly responded, “Their age.”

Fish trap

This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.

An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”. The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.

“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.

The secret of my success

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

The deadliest kind of shrimp? ...

The deadliest kind of shrimp? Prawn-as.

This one never gets old - The New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said,”Wait right here.”
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said,
“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

Demetri Martin: Cool Leather

I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, That is cool. Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, That is not cool. Thats when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves.

Johnnie Cochrane Closing Arguments for US v. Clinton

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are

the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of

United States v. William J. Clinton:

10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess

9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's

proof

2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral

Dollars Equal Ten Cents

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent

Blonde Houses

Q: What is even dumber than a blonde trying to build a house underwater?

A: A blonde trying to burn it down.

Two young men from up in Minne...

Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Organ Flip

I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down.
He says it’s an inside joke.

In Over Two Months

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

Always choose a memorable password!

A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types: .....  mypenis.
As he hits 'enter', to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!