Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 July 2023

38 Rock jokes to celebrate International Rock Day

International Rock Day, celebrated on July 13 every year, is all about paying tribute to rocks. Have some fun with jokes that Rock!

What do you call it when two carbons are in a relationship?
Carbon dating.

Why were the rock couple breaking up?
Because they took each other for granite.

Why did the rock couple break up?
Because they couldn't comet to each other.

My wife told me she is thinking about selling Egyptian rocks.
It sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

What do you call a criminal rock?
Scum of the Earth.

Why did the rock decide to hit the gym?
Because he wanted to be bigger and boulder.

Where do the posh stones live?
Rockefeller Street!

Why did the rock sleep all day?
He was a bedrock.

How did the rock feel about going to jail?
He was petrified.

How did the rock feel when he got covered in algae?
He was lichen it.

You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.

Why did the rock shower every morning?
He wanted to start with a clean slate.

What did the stone want to be when it grew up?
A rock star.

What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.

Why was the rock unprogressive?
Because it was stuck in the Stonehenge.

Why was the rock hesitant to start his work?
Because he was stuck in corundum.

What did the rock do when it rolled down the road?
It rock 'n' rolled.

How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs.

Who is a geologist’s favorite comedian?
Chris Rock.

What is a geologist’s favorite treat?
Rock candy.

Why did the rock take English lessons?
To help it talk boulder.

What did the rock order at the bar?
Soda on the rocks.

Did you hear about the drunk geologist?
He finally hit rock bottom.

Which rock group is made up of four men who can’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

Why was the criminal rock acquitted?
Because his alibi was rock solid.

What is a geologist’s favorite type of music?
Hard rock.

Which magazine do rocks subscribe to?
The Rolling Stone.

Why didn’t the stone get back together with the rock?
He had too many faults.

What did Ariel say when she met the rock pool?
You have nice mussels.

Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.

What is rock's favorite fruit?
A pome-granite.

Why do hipsters like rocks?
They’re underground.

Where do you take an injured rock?
To the Rocktor.

Why did the judge find the rock guilty?
The lawyers had concrete evidence.

How do stones get to outer space?
By rock-et.

What kind of music sinks to the bottom of the ocean?
Heavy rock.

What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.

What did the young rock say about failing his tests?
I don't want to talc about it.

Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years.
In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man.
I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed.
"How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly.
"Like I'm talking to a wall."

Always on Call

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’

‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’

Healthy Advice

People’s parents actually give them sage advice, like “Do what you love, and the money will follow” or “The early bird gets the worm.”
All I remember is, “Don’t fill up on bread.”

The little man...

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."

With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

Will we ever make Libya puns?

Will we ever make Libya puns? I Gaddhafi-ling we will.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a wat...

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Daniel Tosh: Airport Phone Fun

So when I get a phone call at the airport, Ill admit it, I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldnt be standing right here. Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team! Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, lets move. Stand down, down blue team! Dont -- hold on, the subjects approaching. Hes in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand. And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, Thank you for making our airways safe. And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.

If paper beats rock, rock beat...

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.

Shark!

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."

Chemistry Song 12

I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
it was neat.
And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.

Government vs Mafia

Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?

A: One of them is organized.

Things that make you go hmmmmmm

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be self-help 'groups'?

Hunter Shot By Fox

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated Press
A fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.
Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.
Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.

Rosebuds

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."