Jokes of the day for Monday, 20 November 2023

7 new jokes for a good start of the week

I made a lamb curry last night…
Apparently they prefer grass!

Someone stole all my lamps you'd think I'd be upset...
but I'm actually delighted.

I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can’t see myself wearing it!

My Dad always said it was rude to point…
Great man, rubbish bricklayer!

Does anyone know a good towel joke?
I really like dry humor.

I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.

I was dating a girl named Ruth but I broke up with her.
I'm ruthless.

New 2023 Thanksgiving jokes

What kind of dessert sticks to the wall?
Pie-der Man!

What do you call roasted vegetables that run from the kitchen to the table?
Hustle Sprouts!

Need more Thanksgiving jokes? We have huge Thanksgiving jokes collection

If the Mayflower brought the Pilgrims, what brought their dogs?
The Collie-flower!

What do you call the ghost of a turkey?
A poultry-geist!

Why are turkeys always grumbling?
They’re in a fowl mood!

Has this meat juice been listening to Joe Rogan?
It’s so baste!

How did the turkey get to Thanksgiving?
He rode the gravy train!

Why did the turkey’s dad make him eat nothing but stale bread?
To stuffin’ him up!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
He was trying to convince people he was a chicken!

These used to be plain old cranberries. Now, they’re a flying sauce-er!
(throw cranberry sauce across the room)

Technical Assistance

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.
He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

Baptizing in the Spirit

Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

Special gift

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Where Do You Want to Go?

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" they all piped up.

"And what do you have to do to get there?"

They said, "Be dead!"

Let's pretend

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"

There was a beautiful young bl...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

At the Sunday morning church s...

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in thecongregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and hisscrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctorsdidn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as theyimagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and everymovement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed avery delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turnedout they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum,and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortablyas they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after sixweeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time,his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something tosay. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife thatthe word is sternum."

Chuck Norris played Russian Ro...

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Old Ladies and the Flasher

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.

Todd Barry: Book Lights

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.

Thinking about the future

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

It's the summer of 1957 and H...

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

Bottom of the Class

“I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class,” said the father to his son.
“Don’t worry Dad,” he replied. “They still teach the same thing at both ends.”