Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 21 February 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 21 February 2024 |
A new way to diet...
Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.
"Oh ! Not yet." Tammy replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
Three little ducks
Three little ducks go into a bar.
"Hello, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.
"Huey," he replies.
"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.
"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the bartender.
"Great. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day, as well. What more could a duck want?"
The barman turns to the third duck and says: "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Cotton Candy
So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn.
He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast as possible.
The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, it's really not healthy to eat all that candy."
The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old."
The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
Jody and Sara live in the swam...
Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana.One day Sara came up missing.
It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara."
"What is the bad news", asks Jody?
"We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead."
"Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody?
The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crab off her, we decided to leave for another 3 days and run her again."
Another wife?
At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.
"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'
"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"
One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"
Ploughing The Land
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
For two solid hours, the lady ...
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
Who was it?
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."
Law students to study ballet
Why is it advisable for law students to study ballet?
That way their arguments will always be on point!
Fear of alligators
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
If pro is the opposite of con,
If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress? - Congress!
Specimen Bottle
Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.
One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and used poured it into a urine specimen cup the nurse had insisted he fill.
The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen glass. In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."
Steve put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."
