Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 06 March 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 06 March 2024 |
28 Morbidly Amusing Dark Humor Jokes to Tickle Your Macabre Side
If you find these jokes funny, something is probably wrong with you!
I was digging in the garden and happened to find a chest with a lot of gold coins.
I wanted to run home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
The doctor gave me one month to live, so I shot him with my gun.
The judge gave me 15 years.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, anyway he won't come.
Cremation is my final hope for a smoking-hot body.
What's the last thing in a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 100 mph?
It's behind.
What's worse than biting an apple and then discovering a worm?
Biting the apple, then discovering half a worm.
When ordering dinner at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken.
He explained.
"We just tell them they're going to die."
An apple a day keeps the doctor away only if you throw it hard enough.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where their home is.
Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
It's nice to see new faces here today!
Why can't you have a book on how to commit suicide in a library?
Because you wouldn't return it back.
What makes sad people jump?
Bridges.
I don't have any carbon footprint.
I drive everywhere.
I wished to die, but then I got a job.
Now I want to pass out.
What do you call a bacterial disease that is caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
My doctor told me to stop eating red meat,
so now I dye it orange.
Why are overweight babysitters an awful idea?
The babies always get crushed when they sit on them.
How do you stop a baby from choking?
Let go of his neck.
When I see the lovers' names written on a tree, I don't find it romantic or cute.
I find it weird how people would take knives on their dates.
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
A dark joke is like food,
which many people don't get.
If you think I am joking about Alzheimer's,
forget it.
Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
It's important to have a perfect vocabulary.
If I had known to distinguish between anecdote and antidote, one of my good friends would still be alive.
You're not useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.
I have jokes about unemployed people,
but sadly, none work.
What did the frog say at his puppeteer's funeral?
Not a word.
Did you ever wonder...
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?If people from Poland are called 'Poles' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with!
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's?'
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking how people seem to read the Bible more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them!? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail!?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Like an olympic sprinter
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”
The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”
She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter.”
“He’s got his time down to under 11 seconds.”
The Florist
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!''
Tech line
The prime minister of India was at the White House.One embarrassing moment was when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer?'
'I'm having some problems with it, I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'
A little boy comes down for br...
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy. His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
Natasha Leggero: Male Comics
Male comics are always coming up to me, and theyre like, Hey, Natasha, dont you think youre a little attractive to be a comedian? And Im like, Dont you think youre a little ugly to be talking to me? The Israeli Archaeologist
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
17 Kangaroo jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper
What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip-hop
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar...
It’s a normal day in Australia
A kangaroo is hopping around Australia
Whenever she stops, a little penguin pokes his head out of her pouch
In Antarctica, a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling, “Stupid student exchange program
” A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar...
That’s all
It’s funny since none of them actually walk
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids! 9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh...
nevermind
Getting Airsick
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, mean-looking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy sits there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy: "are you feeling better now?"
I met my wife in Hong Kong
I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?
Alexei Sayle (August 7 1952-)
Picture: PA
31 of the funniest jokes and best one-liners from comedians
Tim Vine Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
2. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”
3. “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”
4. “This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
5. “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”
6. “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
7. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
10. “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”
11. “Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”
12. “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
13. “My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”
Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.”
2. “My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
3. “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”
4. “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!”
5. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”
6. “The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”
7. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”
Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
2. “I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seashore.”
Miscellaneous Authors:
1. "The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast." - Demetri Martin
2. "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time." - Tom Ward
3. "My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round." - Sarah Millican
4. "Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
5. "Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door." - Bill Bailey
6. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any." - Tommy Cooper
7. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen
8. "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay
9. "Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.’" - Harry Hill
Which Book?
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s check book.”
