Jokes of the day for Saturday, 06 April 2024

Love My Wife

To show my wife how much I love her I bought her a beautiful diamond ring...
I had it engraved with the cost.

An Atheist's Holiday

An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!" The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?" The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"-

Who's the boss...

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.

She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."

"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."

Hahahahahaha

The joke is:























!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three men were discussing at a...

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

Corporate Story

At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.
The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?'
The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

Maria Bamford: Fulfilling Potential

Im afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.

This reminds me of something y...

This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and…
“Where does mommy live?”
“Minneapolis.”
“Where does grandma live?”
“Baltimore.”
“Where does grandpa live?”
“Baltimore.”
“And where does daddy live?”
“At work!”
Needless to say, he took the morning off that next […]

You Can't Make This Up

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg...
I thought, "This could be interesting."

Some people don't like me

I realize that some people don't like me. I also realize that i don't give a minions ass.

A very elderly couple is havin...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

Bicycle Day Jokes

Today is Bicycle Day! Find jokes about it!

Q: When is a bike not a bicycle?
A: When it turns into a driveway.

Q: What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
A: Attire (a tyre - gettit?).

Q: What do you call two hippos riding a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: Did you hear about the environmentalist who went down the same bicycle route twice?
A: He re-cycled.

Q: What do you call a therapist for cyclists?
A: A cycologist.

Q: How do you greet an OAP on their new bike tires?
A: Congratulations on your re-tire-ment!

Q: Do you know the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
A: The road.

Q: What's the difference between a boy scout and a guy fixing bicycle horns?
A: One's motto is ‘be prepared’, the other's is ‘beep repaired’.

#bicycleday

Downsizing

Boss: Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of downsizing. Knock, knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

The Sign

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"       

A young couple were on their h...

A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"