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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Ten Things You Will Never H

Ten Things You Will Never Hear Dad Say
1. Well, what do you know? I'm lost. We'll have to stop and get some directions.
2. Well, honey, you are thirteen now. I bet you're ready for un-chaperoned car dates!
3. I like all of your friends' "Up Yours" attitudes.
4. Here are the keys to my new car. Oh, take my credit card, too. Have fun!
5. Football? You want to play football? What about figure skating, son?
6. Mom and I are going away for the weekend. Would you like to throw a party?
7. No, I don't actually know what is wrong with your car.
8. Son, let's go to the mall and get you an earring.
9. You don't need a job! I have plenty of money for you to spend.
10. Father's Day? Don't worry about that. It's no big deal!
#joke #food #honey #sport #football
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Politicians are like sperm ...

Politicians are like sperm ... One in a million turns out to be Human!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

“My clock radio goes

“My clock radio goes off with alarming frequency.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Car Security

Car Security - Pro Level | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"Born OK the first time"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

I get turned on by large appli

I get turned on by large appliances. But my wife is fridged.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

I used to drink all brands of

I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Tom did like he always does, k

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed andfalling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed ina white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doingin my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and youare in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm tooyoung." said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me backimmediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog ora hen. You can choose on your own"
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog istoo tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return asa hen." Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chickenrun, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then alongcame the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does itfeel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all youcan."
Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again andsqueezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Pete'ssake!!! Wake up ... you're ' crappin ' all over the bed!"
#joke #animal #dog #rooster #food #egg
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (16)

If Only...

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him tomarry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marryHerman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop DoggyDogg Pooh.

G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced himto marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

If Jack married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and marriedGregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), KingOscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

#joke #animal #cat #beaver
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

 Marriage Quotes 07

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Man and wife make one fool.

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Do You Know Me?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness

to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He

approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've

known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've

been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your

wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their

backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't

the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more

than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he

pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you

know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley

since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his

parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.

He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't

build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice

is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know


At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and

called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,

he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows

me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

If you ever fart in public, ju

If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

The Sign

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"       

#joke #food #lunch
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

They once tried to carve Chuck...

They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 16 September 2011
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (48)

Dov Davidoff: Dressing Up Like a Referee

I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you? I was like, Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together. And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be like, Do I look like I work here, chief?
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 September 2010
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (47)

Myq Kaplan: New Game Show

I have a new idea for a game show for people who are high, and its called Can You Remember What You Just Saw? Thats actually the bonus round. Round one is Can You Describe Whats in Front of You Right Now? OK, you got it? Were going to take it away. What was it? We will not accept awesome.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 16 September 2011
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (44)

Blonde - Tracks

Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some

tracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The

second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one

said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?

They all got hit by a train!

#joke #short #blonde #animal #dog #bird #cow
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 16 September 2011
  • Currently 3.56/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (43)

Eugene Mirman: Kids Say the Darnedest Things

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 September 2012
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (33)

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