Jokes of the day for Monday, 20 May 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 20 May 2024 |
Looking For A New Accountant
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
A woman found out her husband was cheating...
A woman found out her husband was cheating.So she grabbed a large knife, intending to cut off his penis while he slept. She lifted the blanket and raised the knife over her head. But as she swung it down, he moved slightly and she ended up chopping off his leg instead.
The husband called the police, and they arrested her for assault and attempted murder. But given all the circumstances, the judge decided that she was only guilty of a misseddewiener.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Applications are now being accepted for 2-year-old nursery workers. Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord. The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.-A few years in the desert...
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
Unusual affair
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
A guy was in a cave, looking f...
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death." Chuck Norris was once on Celeb...
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.Mike Vecchione: Favorite Place to Taser
My favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Fair cause it makes me feel like an evil wizard from the future. A pastor's wife was expecting...
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
Recently a teacher, a garbage ...
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
What day it is today?
Whilst sitting down for breakfast a woman says to her husband, "I bet you don’t know what day it is today."
The husband replies, "Of course I do darling. How could I ever forget?"
The husband leaves for work and later that morning a dozen red roses are delivered. In the afternoon a huge box of chocolates arrive at the door followed by a beautiful evening dress. When he arrives back home the husband gives his wife a beautiful pearl necklace.
His wife throws her arms around him and gives him a huge kiss, exclaiming,
"I've never had such a wonderful Chinese New Year in my whole life!"
I used to have job...
I used to have job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off. Vocabulary
Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
