Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 21 May 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 21 May 2024 |
A man accidentally wires $500,000 to ...
A man accidentally wires $500,000 to the wrong account. He calls his bank manager for a reversal, but the manager says, "For that amount of money the dispute process would be very time-consuming. For a quicker solution you would be better off contacting the recipient to send the money back." The man figures the chances of someone simply sending back $500,000 upon request are very slim, so instead the man comes up with an idea. He gets the account owner's number from the bank manager and sends them a text message. The message reads:
Hello, dark and worthy recruit. I believe you have received the $500,000 wired to you. It's for your initiation into the Eternal Brotherhood of the Dark Underworld. Our meeting is scheduled to take place tomorrow at 12 midnight. A week after your initiation, your siblings and parents will die. This will unlock the wealth and riches awaiting you after we conquer this world. But in case you're not ready to join, please send back the $500,000 immediately and you will be taken off our list of recruits.
About 30 minutes later, he gets a response back:
Please send another $1 million. My two friends are interested.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Applications are now being accepted for 2-year-old nursery workers. Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord. The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.-Pop N. Fresh dies
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.
Six months to live
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time," he said.
"OK," the doctor said. "let's make it nine months."
According to Einstein's theory...
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.The Cat and the Saus
One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.
The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!
Give Bubba a Chance
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.
The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"
There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"
Ben Bailey: Restless Leg Syndrome
Restless leg syndrome. Cmon, what kind of horseshit is that? Its a syndrome? Restless leg syndrome? I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome, but its a hell of a lot more serious than some freakin wiggly legs.Terrible news
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer says: "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first," he says.
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," his lawyer informs him.
"That's the bad news?" asks the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
One day two blind men started...
One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 quid on the one with the knife."
Both men ran away.
The first Hangman to...
“The first Hangman to switch to electricity from the traditional cord was a good conductor, with an alternate code of conduct!”
At the doctor's office, Tom wa...
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
Missing Thermometer
A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check. To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer. In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Some asshole has my pen!
