Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 July 2024

Mummy and Daddy

Son to Dad: "What's the difference between an Egyptian mummy and our mummy?"

Dad to Son: "It's simple son. When we see an Egyptian mummy, you get fear. But when we see your mummy, then I get fear!"

Scottish Wedding

Glasgow boys Archie and Jock were sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.

‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ said Jock. ‘I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’

Archie nodded approvingly.

‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continued Jock.

‘A kilt?’ exclaimed Archie. ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”

‘Ach,’ said Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white

A mother's advice...

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a RICH Doctor! A RICH Doctor!"

Bank Teller

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"  

New Gorilla in Bar

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I sorry but I don't serve Gorillas in this bar."

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.

They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

In A Bad Nursing Home

The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home

1. Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.
   
2. Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
   
3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.
   
4. Its named Matlock Manor.
   
5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
   
6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
   
7. You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.
   
8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.
   
9. Two words: Community Bedpan.
   

Why God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost

in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to

locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new

fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to

buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,

dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the

garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would

never be able to

handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember

where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on

when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,

scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

Steve Byrne: Half-Korean, Half-Irish

Its weird when youre a mix. People just want to play detective with your face. Nine times out of 10, theyre polite: Where are you from? Im like, Pittsburgh. Theyre like, Pittsburgh, right. Seriously though, where are you from? Pittsburgh. Like Im from some mutant island south of the Philippines, the island of Half Asia. Its just me, Keanu Reeves and Tiger Woods on a beach all day playing volleyball.

Complicated order

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"

If pro is the opposite of con,

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?
- Congress!

A couple, the Browns, decide t...

A couple, the Browns, decide to find a therapist to spice up their love life. They finally decide on one that advertises he won't take your money unless he can help. They go to the appointment and have lengthy physical and psychological exams.
They meet the therapist and he says, "I believe I can help you". The Browns are ecstatic and listen intently.
He says to them, "Tonight, on your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery and buy grapes and donuts. When you get home I want you to both undress in the living room. Sir, I want you to roll the grapes on the floor with your nose, all the way across the room and into your wife's crotch. Then madam, I want you to take the donuts and see how many ringers you can score on your husband".
They call back in a few days to say their new games have really spiced things up. The Brown's are so happy, they tell their friends, the Smiths about it.
So they go to see the therapist. The therapist meets with them and says, "I'm sorry I cannot take your money as I cannot help you". They beg and beg, and finally the therapist gives in...
"On your way home tonight I want you to stop at the grocery and by apples and cheerios".

The Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.

Tiny Pieces Of Paper

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds...
But instead I'm going to run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.

Centipede pet

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, we will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord???"

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."