Jokes of the day for Saturday, 03 August 2024

A sign in a restaurant window reads...

A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars."

A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying.

The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration.

On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!"

The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread."

The World Is Dumb

Did you know that 97% of the world is dumb?
Luckily I’m in the other 5%!

How many did you catch...

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

A mother and her young son wer...

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

Donald Glover: Serious Black Candidate

When he was coming up, people were like, We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate. And then when he won, they were like, Our first multi-racial president. And I was like, Thats not fair. I mean, lets set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldnt yell, Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!

Pee in Church

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"

Number Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."

Dream job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

The HR Person replied, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Best friends

We will best friends forever because you already know too much.

God Gots Jokes

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Then he asks,"Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A few moments after the daught...

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"

"Oh Daddy, you men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

Go to school!

Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school. "I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.

"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.

"Well, first of all I hate school and second of all ..the kid all hate me!!" was the answer.

"Son, that's not good reasons..you will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.

"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.

"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old and second of all...You are the Principal."

Short Cowboy Jokes

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

An angry wife to her husband o...

An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"
Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."