Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 06 August 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 06 August 2024 |
Tickle Your Tuesday: 11 Hilarious Jokes to Brighten Your Day
I really enjoy hearing all of the national anthems played at the Olympics.
I love country music.
In this hot weather, I find the best way to keep cool is to strip off and stand in front of an open refrigerator…
Now I'm banned from Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons!
Me: No.
Son: Hmm. I feel like maybe you're not committed to that no.
I'm gonna ask 684 more times to be sure.
My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!”
So I asked her if we could watch something other than our wedding video?
What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common
No ballroom.
A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift…
I thought it was very sweet!
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
Took a girl to a French restaurant, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts.
But her personality was nice.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana...
I think all documentaries should be watched this way
I don’t often roll a joint,
but when I do it’s my ankle.
They're Lidl people!
One Dollar per Point
A college professor was giving a big science test. Upon collecting the tests she noticed a note attached to one of them with a $100 bill underneath it. The note read, “One dollar per point please.”
The professor returned the test the following with $40 and a note attached. The note read, “Here's your $40 change.”
What's wrong?
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world!"
Stung by a bee
A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He shook his head and said: "That’s your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!"
A passenger in a taxi leaned o...
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Golf in Heaven
Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.
"Well," said Bill, "What did ya find out?"
"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.
"OK, what's the good news?" Bill exclaimed.
"Well, there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!
"And the bad news?" asked Bill.
"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!
Free Haircuts
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do Godâs work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
Three Vampires Go To A Bar
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood." The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
Michael Ian Black: Ambien Racing Game
Heres how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys. 
Married Women Vs Single Women
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
Hats
Q: What Did One Hat Say to the Other Hat?
A: You Stay Here, I'll Go On A Head"
Joke found on fashionista.com, posted on FEB 20, 2007.
Photo by Jennifer Regnier on Unsplash
Sue reports for jury duty as o...
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."
Mike Lawrence: Angel's Mouth
My mom wants to manage my comedy career now and I was like, 'Alright mom, why don't you give me some notes?' And one of her notes was, 'You should smile more, you have an angel's mouth.' I feel I should manage my mom in helping her write pickup lines for pedophiles in the wooing phase.
Life after death?
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.
“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
