Jokes of the day for Monday, 26 August 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 26 August 2024 |
A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game...
A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.'The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $1000' The blonde agreed.
The lawyer asked the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'
The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer. Then she asked the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And went back to sleep
The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc, all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked 'Well, so what is the answer?'
Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.
That's Impossible
Drunkard #1: I will become the chief prime minister tomorrow!
Drunkard #2: That's impossible... I haven't resigned yet.
An Atheist's Holiday
An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!" The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?" The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"-How To Save Money!
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."
The Pickle
There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, "What's your secret?"
The guy whispers, "All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants."
In a fluorish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants. But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror. Confused, he hurries over to the first guyand desperately asks, "Why are all the girls running away from me?"
The first guy looks up and replies, "The pickle's on the wrong side."
Tig: Where Would You Go?
I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and hes hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? And I was like, Anywhere? He was like, Anywhere. I was like, Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream. 
I need water....
A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
Senior Citizen
A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives. He says; these ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?The psychiatrist says; that's easy … just sharpen the tops of the posts.
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Looking Into Their Eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
A Saudi Prince went to Germany...
A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!
