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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 27 August 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 27 August 2024

A colonel is standing by a vending machine

A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?"

"Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private.

"DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!"

"SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention.

"That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?"

"SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.

#joke
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

Scary TV

A cow and a pig are watching TV.
Pig: "Wanna watch something scary?"
Cow: "Okay by me."
So the pig changes channel to the Food Network.

#joke #short #animal #pig #cow #food
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

Lemons Anyone?

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

#joke #short #fruit #lemon
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 September 2015
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

Explosion

A terrifying explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."        

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 June 2015
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Once poor

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.

"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 August 2011
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (58)

Demetri Martin: Naming Foods

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. What are these? Those are orange: oranges. What about these? Oh, sh*t. Long pointies? Well go by shape now?
#joke #short #fruit #orange #food #carrot
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 August 2011
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (54)

Chuck Norris can judge a book ...

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 August 2011
  • Currently 3.43/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (51)

Bibles to Boats

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65."
"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"
"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

#joke #animal #fish #sport #fishing #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 August 2009
  • Currently 7.36/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (45)

A young gay man calls home and...

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."

There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"
#joke #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 August 2009
  • Currently 3.53/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (43)

Q: What is the lightest thing...

Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?
A: A penis because just a thought can lift it.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 September 2015
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Difference between a good girl and a bad girl

The only difference between a good girl and a bad girl is that good girls are more selective who they're bad with.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 March 2016
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

After Brian proposed to Jill...

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 December 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people

@birbigs

I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people.

I should write it.

http://on.cc.com/16GHqVB

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 February 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Wake up call

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 October 2021
  • Currently 9.22/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (18)

Long lines everywhere

There was a guy in high school that landed a date with the hottest girl in class for the prom.
First, he went to pick out a suit, and had to wait in a huge line.
Then he went and picked out flowers, and waited in a huge line.
Even when he called around for limo's, he had to wait in hold lines for all of them.
Getting ready for after the prom, there was even a long line at the pharmacy.
Finally the big night arrives and he takes his dance to the prom. When they get there, he asks his date if she wants him to get drink and she says yes.
Much to his surprise, there was no punch line.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 June 2023
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

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