Jokes of the day for Thursday, 29 August 2024

Stop Ringing My Phone

Whoever lost their iPhone outside the bar...
Please stop ringing my new phone!

One wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.
"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.
"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.
A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."    

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

Put it back

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Begin by standing on a comfort...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lbpotato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lbpotato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Emily Heller: Using Feminism

I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.

Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it.

18 new Halloween jokes from 2020

Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store!

Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween!

Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries!

Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend.

Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE!

Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans.

Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which!

Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein!

Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries.

Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray!

Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.

Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch.

Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck.

Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie.

Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops.

Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers!

Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in.

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.

Double Martini

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Insomnia

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.

"Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

The Darwinian vs. God Contest

One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

The math teacher saw that Daph...

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on her and said, "Daphne! What are 2 and 4, and 28 and 44?"
Daphne quickly replied, "ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of money for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6 year old was asked where his grandmother lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''She lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're we've done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''

A Taxi Driver and a Priest Die

He waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that taxi driver go to the highest level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"St. Peter replies: "When you were speaking to the people at your church, everybody was sleeping. But when that taxi driver was driving, everybody prayed!"