Jokes of the day for Friday, 06 September 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 06 September 2024 |
man overseas fighting a war
While a man was overseas fighting a war he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Why Karaoke is better than sex...
- With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.- You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.
- When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.
- It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.
- With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.
- It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.
- With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.
- It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.
- You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.
- No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.
Loni Love: All the Holidays
I used to work in an office, and when I worked in an office, I celebrated all the holidays -- Cesar Chavez Day, Labor Day -- just to get a day off of work. It could be KKK Day -- Do I get a day off of work? Chuck Norris doesn't cheat dea...
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.Speech Impediment
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?""Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?"
inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"
A 70-year-old man has never be...
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?""Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
News Headlines 03
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Police Quotes
“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.” “If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”
“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”
“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“Just how big were those two beers?
Long-Distance Calls
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"
The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."
The Vase
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Come On Mister
A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.
The tailor says, "You can't be in here with no clothes on!"
The man says, "Come on mister, cut me some slacks?"
News photographer on plane
His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’
‘Why?’ asked the pilot.
‘Because I’m a photographer for cable news,’ he responded. ‘And I need to get some close up shots.’
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is… you’re NOT my flight instructor?’
Found on http://www.americanflyersmorristown.net, posted on November 2009 Newsletter
Only a Half Wit
Joe: "I've heard about your wit."
Moe: "Oh, that's nothing."
Joe: "Yeah, that's what I've heard."
