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Jokes of the day for Monday, 23 December 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 23 December 2024

Pizza Coupon

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.
Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon.
When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 December 2020
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

Sea Sickness...

Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.

#joke #sport #fishing
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 January 2016
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Three convicts were on the way...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
#joke #drinks #gin #sport #swimming
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 December 2009
  • Currently 4.06/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (66)

Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 December 2010
  • Currently 5.87/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (45)

Robert Schmidt 13

My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...

When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.

Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.

I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

#joke #policeman #animal #deer #drinks #coffee #sport #fishing #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 December 2009
  • Currently 4.03/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (38)

What do you call a blonde with 1, 2 or 3 brain cells?

Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?

A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde with more than two brain cells?

A: A golden retriever.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 December 2010
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (32)

Would you like me to be your friend?

Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.

One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.

A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."

"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

#joke #sport #soccer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 December 2013
  • Currently 6.52/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (29)

Happy Monday! Check out new jokes!

I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors weren't happy but the front door looks great!

Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of ripped trousers.
Tailor says, "Euripides?"
Man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

I asked my wife, "Do you know a three letter word for 'eggs'?"
Her: It's ova.
Me: Why? Is it because I'm terrible at crosswords?

If I'm reading their lips correctly …
My neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I married my wife for her looks.
Though not the ones she been giving me lately.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

English lesson…

Tsunami
T is silent

Psychology
P is silent

Knife
K is silent

Honest
H is silent

Wife
Husband is silent

#joke #monday #food #egg
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 May 2023
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (13)

A man answers the phone and ha...

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult...I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is..."
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right..."
"You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
#joke #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 October 2017
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (15)

Mathematical solution

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 May 2016
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

One day a little girl was watc...

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.
The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.
That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it.
Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.
Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it would fit in the pan, of course."
#joke #food #dinner #beef #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 February 2019
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

The Diving Board

A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.
He was poised, he lifted his arms, and was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”
“That’s all right!” said the man. “I can’t swim!”

#joke #short #sport #swimming #diving
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 February 2024
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Pick-up line

A man sees a gorgeous and sexy woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."

The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it." 

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 January 2015
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Moof

What goes moof?
- A cow with buck teeth.
#joke #short #animal #cow
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 April 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Specimen Bottle

Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.

One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and used poured it into a urine specimen cup the nurse had insisted he fill.

The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen glass. In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."

Steve put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."

#joke #fruit #apple #food #breakfast #drinks #juice
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 January 2015
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

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