Jokes of the day for Saturday, 25 January 2025

Steadfast In My Beliefs

A trusted aid was counseling the senator, "Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you."
The senator replied, "Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'll turn around and agree with them."

Two ministers

Two ministers died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says," I'd like to get you in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to earth until it's ready, but you can go back as anything you want.

The first minister says, "I've always wanted to be a eagle soaring above our beautiful earth."

"And I have always wanted to be a stud!" said the second.

"So be it " says St. Peter and "POOF", the ministers disappear.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and St. peter asked his assistant to recall the two ministers.

"How will I find them?" the assistant askes.

"One is easy, he's soaring over the Grand Canyon right now" says St. Peter.

"The other may be tough to locate though, he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

Authorized Personnel Only

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”

Lawyers should never ask a Sou...

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

Why did the city build a graveyard...

Q: Why did the city build a graveyard across the street from the retirement home?
A: So all the old people can see there futures!

During their vacation and whil...

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.
With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead !
I just can't take that chance.

Televised Operations

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets while doctors in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's skull during a two-hour operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller of Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz" instead.

Plane lost both engines

A plane is flying over the Mediterranean.
A pilots voice comes on And says a terrible thing has happened.
We’ve lost both engines and we’re gonna have to land in the Mediterranean.
The plane will stay afloat for a very short time.
And we’ll be able to open the door just long enough that everyone can get out.
We have to do this in an orderly fashion.
Everyone that can swim just go to the right wing and stand there.
Everyone who can’t swim just go to the left wing and just stand there.
Those of you on the right wing you’ll find a little island it’s in the direction of the Sun about two miles off, and as the plane goes under just swim in an orderly fashion out and you’ll be fine.
And for those of you on the left wing…

I want to thank you for flying Air Italia.

What Do You Get When ...

What do you get when you cross a Buddhist and a Druid? Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

I understand how gem...

“I understand how gems were made. The concept is crystal clear to me.”

A guy gets set up on a blind d...

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.
She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, how about the Mississippi river?"

22 Fresh Halloween jokes for 2020

Q: Why do ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures

Q: What does a panda ghost eat?
A: Bam-BOO!

Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind.

Q: Why did the zombie skip school?
A: He felt rotten.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A blood orange.

Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers!

Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q: What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
A: Wrap music.

Q: Why don’t mummies have friends?
A: Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.

Q: Why did the vampire read the newspaper?
A: He heard it had great circulation.

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.

Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.

Q: What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
A: The grim sweeper. Q:

Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.

Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet.

Q: What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand-witch!

Q: What's a witch's favorite makeup?
A: Ma-scare-a.

Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely?
A: The crossing gourd.

Q: What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?
A: Candy corneas.

Q: What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve?
A: Bam-BOO!

Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no-body to go with.

Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...

This co-worker of mine, who I dont know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Jessi, I dont know if anyones ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank. I didnt really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, Was Anne Frank hot?

A man calls home to his wife a...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

Chris Rock: Natural Causes

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, its natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, youd got out of the way.