Jokes of the day for Saturday, 08 November 2025

I Don't Have Time

My 5 year old daughter drew a nice picture of a princess and beautiful flowers and sunshine.
Then she brought the picture to her daddy and said, "Daddy, this is a picture of you and me, but I don't have time to draw you."

Do You Drink?

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No

Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then?

Denounce the devil!

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

What does the starship enterpr...

What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.

Hari Kondabolu: Where Are You From?

Hes like, Hey, man, where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And then hes like, No, I mean where are you really from? Which, for those of you who dont know, thats code for, No, I mean, why arent you white?

A man realized he needed to pu...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

The original title for Star Wa...

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

We work by results

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

In the Beginning…

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.

First time

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LAtoNY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rollsover to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explainsthat the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you aquestion,and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, nowagitated,says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if Idon'tknow the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end tothis torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earthtothe moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pullsouta $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up ahillwith three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled,takesout his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. Hetapsinto the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library ofcongress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends andcoworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blondesays,"Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into herpurse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Childhood is like being drunk

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

Help Me Please

I think I may need professional help...
A chef, a butler, and a maid should do it.

Matt's dad picked him up from...

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

An inebriated man and his drun...

An inebriated man and his drunken friend were sitting at a bar.
"Do you know what time it is?" asked the drunk.
"Sure" said the man.
"Thanks" said the drunk.