Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 11 February 2026
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 11 February 2026 |
What guys really mean...
'I'm going fishing.'Really means... 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety.'
'It's a guy thing.'
Really means.... 'There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making
it logical.'
'Can I help with dinner?'
Really means... 'Why isn't it already on the table?'
'Uh huh,' 'Sure, honey,' or 'Yes, dear.'
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
'It would take too long to explain.'
Really means... 'I have no idea how it works.'
'I'm getting more exercise lately.'
Really means... 'The batteries in the remote are dead.'
'We're going to be late.'
Really means... 'Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like
a maniac.'
'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.'
Really means....'I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner.'
'That's interesting, dear.'
Really means... 'Are you still talking?'
'Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.'
Really means... 'I forgot our anniversary again.'
'You expect too much of me.'
Really means... 'You want me to stay awake?'
'That's women's work.'
Really means... 'It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.'
'You know how bad my memory is.'
Really means... 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday.'
'Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.'
Really means... 'I have severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt.'
'I do help around the house.'
Really means... 'I once put a dirty towel in the laundry
basket.'
'Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.'
Really means... 'I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty
soon.'
'I can't find it.'
Really means... 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless.'
'What did I do this time?'
Really means... 'What did you catch me doing?'
'I heard you.'
Really means... 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at
me.'
'You look terrific.'
Really means... 'Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit. I'm starving.'
'I missed you.'
Really means... 'I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper.'
'I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.'
Really means... 'I'm lost. I have no idea where we are,
and no one will ever see us alive again.'
'We share the housework.'
Really means... 'I make the messes, you clean them up.'
'This relationship is getting too serious.'
Really means... 'You're cutting into the time I spend with
my truck.'
'I don't need to read the instructions.'
Really means... 'I am perfectly capable of screwing it up
without printed help.'
An amazing dog
There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :
"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."
So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said "But I can't hire a dog."
The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, "OK, can you first type this document?" and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.
Flustered, the employer then said, "Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.
The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, "But are you bilingual?"
The dog said "Meow!"
Perv in the Lingerie Store
Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret?
A: The panties were half off.
Downsizing
Boss: Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of downsizing. Knock, knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
Memorial Day jokes for 2024
Observed on the last Monday in May every year, Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States that honors and remembers those who have died while serving in the military.
Enjoy these light-hearted jokes to add some fun to your Memorial Day!
Why did the soldier bring a ladder to the barbecue?
He wanted to raise the steaks!
What do army guys say when they forget Memorial Day?
Ah, shoot!
What is your favorite Memorial Day tradition?
Spilling BBQ sauce on white pants.
Which day do Alzheimer's patients forget?
Memorial Day.
A small boy was staring at the names on a wall.
The pastor explained,
"They are those who died in the service."
The boy asked,
"The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"
What's a cow's favorite Memorial Day activity?
Going to the moo-vies!
Why are there no knock-knock jokes on Memorial Day?
Because freedom rings!
Did you hear about the man who got his car's AC fixed after Memorial Day?
He came back singing "Freon isn't Free."
Why don't soldiers play hide and seek on Memorial Day?
Because good luck hiding when everyone's off duty!
What is the best Memorial Day Sales pitch?
To remember the millions of brave soldiers who died for our country, we're giving you 30% off on all corduroy pants and toaster ovens.
What's the favorite thing about Memorial Day for employees?
Saying to co-workers, "See you next Tuesday."
What do army guys read on Memorial Day?
Magazine.
On Memorial Day, the teacher asked the students, "Do you know why God created wars?"
Someone among students: To teach us, geography?!
How can you offend a close relative of a fallen soldier on Memorial Day?
Wish them "Happy Memorial Day."
Do you know that The Air Force is the most patriotic arm of the US military?
Because they're USAF.
What fruit do soldiers hate?
The Pommegranade.
In the military, how do you refer to children?
Infantry.
Two old men - Bert and Harry...
Two old men - Bert and Harry - were sitting quietly in a bar."When was the last time you made love to a woman?" Bert asked Harry.
"1945," replied Harry.
"My goodness!" exclaimed Bert. "That's a long time ago."
"Not really," said Harry, glancing at his watch. "It's only twenty past eight now."
Eiffel Tower jokes
It is Eiffel Tower Day today! The day marks the completion of the Eiffel Tower on this day in 1889!
I Tried To Climb The Eiffel Tower Once
But eiffel!
What do you call a tourist visiting the Eiffel Tower?
PariSites.
Bubba had shingles. Those of...
Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles...' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
Just like mom
Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.
Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."
So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
Password Protected
Husband: “Call 911 quick, I think I’m having a heart attack!“
The wife picked up his cell phone to call. She said, “Give me your password!”
Husband: "Never mind, I’m feeling much better now."
Crime during Oktoberfest
I committed a crime during Oktoberfest, and my friend ratted on me to the cops. Man, what a schnitz. Louisiana Highway Department e...
Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talkedwith an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspectyour farm for a possible new road.'The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running fortheir lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show himyour card!!