Popular jokes (1516 to 1530)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Daniel Tosh: Millionaire Game Show
Id like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they cant win money, they can only lose til one them goes complete broke, and the shows called Ha Ha, Now Youre Poor.Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it. Marc Maron: Mathematical Cure for Jealousy
I used to be jealous; Im not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if youre jealous, its a cancer, its a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And Im not a math person at all, but Ive been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, Id like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- Im still winning. A little girl is sitting on he...
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
The Reverend and the golf game
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
10 years ago we had Johnny Cas...
10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. A native american hitchhiker and brown paper bag
A native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.
As they were driving along, the Indian noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.
The city man replied:
"It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife".
The Indian looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said: "Good trade".
Match
A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."
Geraniums....
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
Car or Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Few new short jokes
I had a joke about bowling...
But I'll Spare you.
What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Did you know there are no smiles in Canada?
Only skilometers.
My wife demanded I stop taking Viagra each morning before I leave for the office, and replace it with Omega-3 and B vitamins.
She wants me to work smarter, not harder.
I was kicked out of music school accused of theft
, I was only taking notes.
I just saw a sign that made me piss myself.
'Toilet Closed.'
I have successfully managed to weigh a rainbow,
turns out it was pretty light.
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house...
But the kids still get in!
Did you hear about the little boy who swallowed some coins and was admitted to hospital.
When the doctor did his rounds, he asked the nurse how he was doing. The nurse said there was 'no change.
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation. Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow. David: Oh? What are they going to do? Ali: Circumcise me! David: I had that done when I was just a few days old. Ali: Did it hurt? David: I couldn't walk for a year! Smart dog and the butcher
A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again.
So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads, "I need 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, he finds the money for the order there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog.
So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to an intersection. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button for the walk signal. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes, again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again.
There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to an open window, barks several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, yelling at him and swearing at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the world are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heavens sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass! This is the second time this week that he's forgotton his key."
