Popular jokes (15166 to 15180)

100% Polar bear...

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"

“So what if I don't

“So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world!”

Kids jokes-Growing hair

The pun

The punster made a loaf of bread that had no crust. When asked if it was a joke, he said “Yes – it's my rye-bald sense of humour!”

Whenever I shred fruit, I do s

Whenever I shred fruit, I do so with grate a plum.

Waiter! Bring me a crocodile s...

Waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich . . . and make it snappy!

“Is a seventeen-day-o

“Is a seventeen-day-old infertile duck egg an absentee balut?”

The Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

“How do construction ...

“How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.”

A paperboy said to a customer one day...

A paperboy said to a customer one day, "Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, that's nice to hear," said Smith, "but I'm kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late."
The paperboy said, "I know, but I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!"

When you give people lethal pr

When you give people lethal prescription painkillers you in fentanyl ize them.

 All Numbers Are Equal

Theorem: All numbers are equal.
Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.

 Answering Machine Message 37

This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Bob calls in to his job:
...

Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house."

A local millionare was asked t...

A local millionare was asked to give a speech at a high school about how he had made his way in the world.

At the end of the speech, he stated, "When I came to this town, I had all my possessions inside a neck scarf tied to a pole over my shoulder. Now look at me! Thanks to this town, I now have over $2 million dollars and own a nice store. You too can do this if you try!"

The local reporter was impressed and hung around after the ceremony. Finally he was able to ask the millionare a question. "Tell me," he said eagerly. "What did you have in your scarf when you arrived at this town?"

"Hmmm," said the milliionare. "Well, I had $500,000 in cash and $1 million in negotiable notes."