Popular jokes (15286 to 15300)

There was once a young man who

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

 Business One-liners 71

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.
If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

After three years of marriage,

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

 Bumper Stickers 03

All generalizations are false, including this one.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Drink Too Much Coffee

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
   
2. You ski uphill.
   
3. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
   
4. You speed walk in your sleep.
   
5. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
   
6. You answer the door before people knock.
   
7. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
   
8. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
   
9. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
   
10. You sleep with your eyes open.
    
11. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
    
12. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
    
13. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
    
14. You lick your coffeepot clean.
    
15. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
    
16. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
    
17. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
    
18. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
    
19. You chew on other people's fingernails.
    
20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
    
21. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
    
22. Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
    
23. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
    
24. You can jump-start your car without cables.
    
25. Cocaine is a downer.
    
26. All your kids are named "Joe."
    
27. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
    
28. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
    
29. You don't sweat, you percolate.
    
30. You buy milk by the barrel.
    
31. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
    
32. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
    
33. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
    
34. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
    
35. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
    
36. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
    
37. People get dizzy just watching you.
    
38. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
    
39. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
    
40. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
    
41. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
    
42. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
    
43. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
    
44. People can test their batteries in your ears.
    
45. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
    
46. Instant coffee takes too long.
    
47. You channel surf faster without a remote.
    
48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
    
49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
    
50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
    
51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
    
52. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
    
53. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
    
54. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
    
55. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
    
56. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
    
57. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
    
58. Your Thermos is on wheels.
    
59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
    
60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
    
61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
    
62. You short out motion detectors.
    
63. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
    
64. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
    
65. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
    
66. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
    
67. You don't tan, you roast.
    
68. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
    
69. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
    
70. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
    
71. You can't even remember your second cup.
    
72. You help your dog chase its tail.
    
73. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
    
74. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
    
75. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
    
76. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
    
77. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
    

I have to admit, I am a pretty

I have to admit, I am a pretty smart guy. I know all the right answers!

Unfortunately, everyone asks me all the wrong questions.

Really funny jokes-If you can understand it

Do you know Psychology is actually Biology.
Do you know Biology is actually Chemistry.
Do you know Chemistry is actually Physics.
Do you know Physics is actually Math.

Really funny jokes-True Believers

The Angel and the Statues

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male -- both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed upon you. I grant you the gift of life -- albeit, as a limited offer. You have thirty minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."
And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment. They looked all around, at their own bodies and back at each other.
Smiling, they then ran to the nearby woods and dove behind a large bush.
The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. (Angels aren't naive.)
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.
Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
"Oh yes!" the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL dump on its head."

Ron White: Walking on the Beach

If youre ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream.

Atheist observed his plight

“When the atheist observed his plight he realized he didn't have a prayer.”

End of the World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

Learning From Teachers

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Cross-eyed dog...

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

In the Dim Light

A wife talks to her husband with a sweet voice, “You look great in that dim light. You look just like Brad Pitt.”
Lifting his eyebrows, the husband asks, “And how do you know Brad Pitt?”