Popular jokes (15526 to 15540)

A guy was walking along the st...

A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: "What's happening?"

The runner replied breathlessly: "A lion has escaped from the zoo."

"Oh my, which way is it heading?"

"Well you don't think we are chasing it, do you?"

 Massive Ball Of Hair

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
December 18, 1992
Three maintenance workers in Alexandria, Ind., fixed a massive street-flooding problem in October when they pulled a 200-pound hairball from a manhole. Said one of the men, "We thought we had a goat."

While walking down the street ...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I’m sorry, but we have our rules," and with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers... "Well, I would never have said it before... I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.... Today you voted."

After a Beer Festival in Londo

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided togo out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like theworld's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from theshelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives himone.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the onlyone made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He getsit.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The otherbrewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinkinga Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guysaren't drinking beer, neither will I."

A young woman went to her doct...

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

“Moliere's influence

“Moliere's influence on modern comedy just shows that he was very farce-sighted.”

You could say a lot of well-me

You could say a lot of well-meaning things about people who jump off of buildings, but at the end of the day most of them are splatted dudes.

There are two menny...

There are two menny bad puns about gay couples.

One fisherman to another, "You

One fisherman to another, "You should've seen what happened yesterday at the lake."
"What happened?"
"I caught a twenty-three pound salmon!"
"Were there any witnesses?"
"Yes, of course! If there wasn't, it would've been thirty-three pounds."

“Routines are dental

“Routines are dental procedures.”

The Americans and Russians at ...

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued as they were they would blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk.

They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cage doors were opened, the Dachshund came out first and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"Yeah," an American replied, "and we had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

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Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
Brain transplant donor.
Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
Brings binoculars to submarine races.
Broadcasts static.
Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.

Really funny jokes-Brain transplantation

The photographer for a nationa...

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Hilarious jokes-Parrot in plane