Popular jokes (15781 to 15795)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
“Though I may be brok
“Though I may be broke, I still feel compelled to pay people compliments.”
Really funny jokes-True Believers
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
An Accident Report
I ...
An Accident ReportI am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope…
“When two orthopedist
“When two orthopedists started a new surgery, it was a joint operation.”
A man was just waking up from ...
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”
Yearly Exam
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 feet 4",' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. 'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
Do souls in the underworld dia
Do souls in the underworld dial using Ba'al Hellephone?Meeting of the professional photographers
“At the annual general meeting of the professional photographers many high-resolutions were put forward!”
An old man lived alone in New ...
An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work.His only son, Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament...
"Oye Francisco, I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my chili garden this year. I just getting too old to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me. Siempre, tu poppy "
A few days later he received a letter from his son...
"Dear Poppy, Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Francisco"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son...
"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the chili now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Francisco"
New Computer Viruses
You're always hearing about new computer viruses runningaround. Here are some to watch out for. BEWARE!
LEWINSKY VIRUS
--Sucks all the memory out of your computer...then e-mails
everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
--Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
--Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
--Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then
slowly expands to 200MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
--Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
--Disks can no longer be inserted.
DISNEY VIRUS
--Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS
--Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
--Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
--Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAAAAK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
--Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then
discards it through Windows.
VIAGRA VIRUS
--Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
CLINTON VIRUS
--Gives you a 6 inch hard drive with NO memory.
Aging Artwork
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her.
At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling. 'Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted.'
'Oh my, 'the grandmother says. 'He and I must have the same landlord.'
