Popular jokes (15856 to 15870)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Got used to sharing everything
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking: "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -- they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time, the old woman said: "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered: "The teeth."
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered. He soon was a very rich man.
One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."
Feminists Change a Light Bulb
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? 20: one to change the bulb, the rest to make a documentary all about it.While watching a football game...
While watching a football game, two friends are talking during a commercial. One guy says, "My wife said I put football before our marriage."The other guy says, "Oh, she's exaggerating."
First guy says, "I thought so, too, because I just took her out for a really nice celebration of our third season together!"
A little old lady went to the
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Never fool around with a Little old lady!
A police officer pulls a man o...
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something."Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
A Russian woman married an Aus...
A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily everafter in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, butdid manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenevershe had to shop for groceries.One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn'tknow how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like achicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got themessage, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how tosay it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to showthe butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her somechicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a wayto communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now getback to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes..
A new miracle doctor was in to...
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
An Error Publishing An Article
From Reuters News Service:
Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
A Koala walks into a bar...
A Koala walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich and the bartender brings him the food.
The Koala eats the sandwich and gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player right between the eyes, and proceeds to walk out of the bar.
The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "Hey! Who do you think you are?? You ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think your going!?
The Koala replies, "Hey I'm a Koala. Look it up, buddy."
The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: "n. a marsupial that eats, shoots and leaves."
Answering Machine Message 187
Hello, we are all currently home, but someone stole our phone... And the recording tape from this answering machine. So you can't reach us until we either find a phone or get a tape. If you had to waste a quarter on this call... Sorry.
After surgery
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, “Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”
