Popular jokes (15886 to 15900)

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Dead in His Cornflakes

Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.

Wrong Answer

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed.
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly..........pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....

 Answering Machine Message 39

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

Knock Knock Collection 200

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yucca!
Yucca who?
Yucca catch more flies with honey than vinegar!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yukon!
Yukon who?
Yukom say that again!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yuri!
Yuri who?
Yuri great friend!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yvonne!
Yvonne who?
Yvonne to be alone?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zaire!
Zaire who?
Zaire air is polluted!

Mommy Mommy 07

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!

Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.

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Mommy, Mommy! I hate tomato juice!

Shut up and drink it before it clots.

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Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?

Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

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Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!

Shut up, we only have it once a month.

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Mommy, Mommy! I hate spaghetti!

Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Communicating with the deaf is

Communicating with the deaf is easier than learning Chinese, just ask a Signologist.

I refuse to add yeast to my br

I refuse to add yeast to my bread, after nein-a-leaven.

Paddy met Sean on the street o

Paddy met Sean on the street one day and said, "Sean have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant in very good health, for just one hundred pounds."
Sean said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?"
"It's a beautiful elephant," continues Paddy, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk."
"You have to be kidding.... I have nothing to feed it," cried Sean.
"I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it."
But Paddy went on: "Two beautiful tusks, each two feet long. It is a magnificent beast...and toilet trained. They don't make them like that anymore."
"Paddy," said Sean, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where the heck will I keep an elephant?"
"You are a hard man, Sean" said Paddy. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant, its mate, for only £50 extra."
Sean smiled and said, "Ah!! Now you're talking!"

 Dream Flying Planes

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.
Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.
Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.
And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.
Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Three engineering students wer

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A young Southern couple got ma

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon, darlin?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darlin, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your Mama these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Brian had asked Dave to help h

Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Dave thought he'd give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Good Old Grandpa

Grandpa always said when one door closes, another one opens...
Great man, horrible cabinet maker.

A man visiting a graveyard saw...

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”