Popular jokes (15931 to 15945)

While watching a football game...

While watching a football game, two friends are talking during a commercial. One guy says, "My wife said I put football before our marriage."

The other guy says, "Oh, she's exaggerating."

First guy says, "I thought so, too, because I just took her out for a really nice celebration of our third season together!"

After a lady’s car had leaked ...

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”

They say first year university...

They say first year university is difficult, but students actually sophomore in their second year.

Don't bother entering a

Don't bother entering a shoe store. Everything is already soled.

Three Texans were in a bar thr

Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life. The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice.
The first cowboy said, "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull."
The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.
"Well," he said, "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lie around, eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seem like a pretty good life to me."
His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."
"A range bull, why a range bull?"
"Well," he said, "If I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would have to do all day is lie around, eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me."
Leroy nodded in agreement.
Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw," he said as he shook his head, "Ya'll got it all wrong. I'd rather come back as a whale."
"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's statement.
Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?"

One of my legs is actually jus...

One of my legs is actually just a hologram. It give me a rather e-femural sensation.

A psychotherapist was enjoying

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduatedcollege. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper signadvertising his services. So he told a kid to paint a signboard forhim & put it above his clinic entrance.
Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He hadespecially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic afterreading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself.One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small woodenboard to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapistinto the 3 words. His new sign read:
Psycho-
the-
rapist

After every flight, pilots fil

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

A police officer pulls a man o...

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.

"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

Q: Why do wom...

Q: Why do women have orgasms during sex?


A: They always need something to moan about.

Like a baby

A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.

Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel tile wedding, it'd be fine by him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other.

They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.

After she came to, the guy asked,

'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?'

The girl said,

'You told me it was just like a baby.'

The guy replied,

'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.'

I don't feel hungry when...

I don't feel hungry when I see a Belgian waffle; I feel absolutely Flemished!

A new miracle doctor was in to...

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

Contemporary art

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

The Conductor

A little ...

The Conductor

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.  After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.  Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more, his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret, “what is it with the bananas?”

“Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it,” replies the man. “I'm just a bad conductor.”

Some More Funny Jokes

http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/09/02/funny-fairy-tale-2007/

http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/09/01/skim-milk/

http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/09/01/its-gettin-so-you-cant-eat-anything/