Popular jokes (15976 to 15990)

Bananas

Why don't blondes eat bananas?

They can't find the zipper.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

Two dudes found some tracks in...

Two dudes found some tracks in the woods. "Those are deer tracks," said one. "No, those are wolf tracks," said the other. They were still arguing when a train hit them.

Retarded Grandparents

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
Ret We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida ...Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do is jump up and down in it...with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

A couple of terrorist were mak

A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!

True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’
‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Future Minister

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

The Smell of Confusion

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

Nun on the scale...

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

A man walks up to the drugstor

A man walks up to the drugstore counter and asks for some condoms. The man behind the counter tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4.
So the man finds Edna. Edna grabs him by the crotch, then gets on the PA system and says, "Medium condom. Medium condom."
The man is very embarrassed, but goes to the counter to get his condoms.
Later, a second man goes up to the counter to get some condoms. The druggist tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4.
Same thing happens, Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Large condom, this man needs a large condom."
The man is quite pleased, and goes to pick up his condoms.
Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to buy some condoms for the very first time. He's told to go see Edna is aisle 4.
Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4."

Osama in Heaven

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise. He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"

Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin.

Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans. As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared.

Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"

The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"

“Neuter your dog - an...

“Neuter your dog - an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of curs.”

"Dad, the career counselor sai

"Dad, the career counselor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law."
"That is wonderful, son. I'm proud of you."
"He said I had a criminal mind."

How do you cut a diamond? With

How do you cut a diamond? With a karat-y chop.

Why’re You Always Telling Jokes About Jews?

Two men sitting on a train are talking. One guy says, "Did you hear the one about the two Jews who are walking down the street..."
The other guy says, "Hold it! Why are you always telling jokes about Jews? I find it offensive. Why must they always be about Jews?"
"You're right," his friend replies and starts the joke again: "So, these two Chinese guys are walking down the street on the way to their nephew's bar mitzvah..."

Grandpa and Little Johnny are

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."