Popular jokes (15991 to 16005)

 Answering Machine Message 101

Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight?
Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob... Try to take over
the world! (Sing:)
They're David and the Rob,
Yes, David and the Rob,
One is a drummer, the other needs a job.
They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow,
Leave a message -- for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.

Starting that Diet

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

There are 11 people hanging on...

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

A Good Bud is Hard t

What's the difference between men and beer?

When you're done with the beer it's still worth 5 cents.

It was election time and the p

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to thelocal reservation and try to get the Native American vote.They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd wasgetting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but wasencouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for NativeAmericans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, andsaw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch,and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closerto take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya..."

 Work For An Operator

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.
Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
* * *
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator : Woven? Are you sure? Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
* * *
Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.
* * *
Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.
* * *
Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
* * *
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

Brian had asked Dave to help h

Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Dave thought he'd give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Teacher: Now, you must not say...

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

Virgin Death

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old

age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She

knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the

local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on

her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the

undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went

to carve it in, but being the lazy no- goods they were, they

thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

There was a man who said, "I n

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.

A doctor examined a woman, ...

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

What's the difference between

What's the difference between a Jewish wife and a Catholic wife? A Jewish wife has real diamonds, a Catholic wife has real orgasms.

twins

When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"

--- Rodney Dangerfield

“I was looking for wa...

“I was looking for watch batteries but I wound up at a clock shop.”

Maybe I Do Like Your Boyfriend

Father: What do you see in that boyfriend of yours?
Teen daughter: Well... he’s reliable.
Father: He’s always late picking you up!
Teen daughter: I know and I can always count on it.
.............. Remember when you had to sit in the front room with my dates until I was ready?
Father: Now that you mention it, I’m beginning to like this guy!