Popular jokes (16141 to 16155)

Commit Suicide

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.
She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules.
Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

Don't ask me about bridg

Don't ask me about bridges! It's like the spannish inquisition.

Plaster of Parish

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

The storm chaser was...

“The storm chaser was so fascinated by tornadoes that he tended to get carried away.”

There are vast quantities of n

There are vast quantities of natural gas held in tense grip between warring Middle Eastern Cheeks. This has led to methane-ous crimes among the rival arsetalkocracies, including the recent assgassination of the Blue Angel, leader of the Qatar people — which puts all Fartsees under a cloud of suspicion. Once the flow of blood is stenched, the factions must put this behind them and shart a new course, toot suite.

Trying to kill a vampire? Don&...

Trying to kill a vampire? Don't make a miss stake!

The blind salesman....

A guy goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. He doesn't know which one to get, so he just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. He says, "Excuse me, Sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Sir, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." The guy didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."

The guy says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the guy farts. At first he is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was him. Being blind, the salesman wouldn't know that he was the only other person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

The guy says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes sir, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

That Darn Cat

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

The Complete Examination

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''
''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober''

 Knock Knock Collection 015

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anthony!
Anthony who!
Anthony you want!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Apple!
Apple who?
Apple your hair if you don't let me in!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Arbus!
Arbus who?
Arbus leaves in 5 minutes?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Arch!
Arch who?
You catching a cold?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aretha!
Aretha who?
Aretha flowers!

The best answer to the questio...

The best answer to the question asked in an interview...

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . .

"In the mirror as always . . "

Pretending to be a Lawyer

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar

and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.

After she said no,

he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had

a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a

lawyer?"

He said, "Why yes I am!"

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they

were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've

only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing

someone!"

Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

One day Little Johnny yelled o...

One day Little Johnny yelled out in public, "George Bush is the biggest asshole in the entire history of mankind!"

The police overheard it and put Little Johnny in jail for 10 years.

When Little Johnny came out, he asked, "Why did you put me in jail so long?!"

The police answered, "I put you in one month for insulting the president. The 9 years and 11 months was for saying confidential information."

Babe-raham Lincoln

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."