Popular jokes (16261 to 16275)

Painting This Church

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went out bough some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well the paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, "Repaint and thin no more."

“Automatic machines t...

“Automatic machines that compete in sculling are rowbots.”

Moth inspector

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.

'Who the hell are you?' he yells.

The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector'

'Oh yeah! what are you doing naked?'

He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my god! I'm too late!'

If you let your testicles get

If you let your testicles get too cold, you may suffer from hypospermia.

Q: How do you...

Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

Two guys are walking through t

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this bigdeep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in thereand see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great bigrocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into thehole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determinedlook on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's arailroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT suckerin, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not asound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like thewind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running asfast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air andinto the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men andambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running likecrazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat waschained to a railroad tie."

If someone is vomiting, ron

If someone is vomiting, call emetic.

Have It Made

People say that money is not the key to happiness...
But I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Top Ten Questions I Would Have Asked Monica Lewinsky

10. "Are you as completely sick of yourself as the rest of

the planet?"

9. "Technically, I'm President of the Late Show -- is that

anything?"

8. "Can Vernon Jordan help me get my old job back at NBC?"

7. "Could you get Clinton to do something about those weird

Old Navy

commercials?"

6. "Did you ever have sex with the president while he was

talking to me?"

5. "Do you know how much easier you've made my job over the

last 14 months?"

4. "What's this about you possibly running for senator from

New York?"

3. "Where do you see yourself in 10 affairs?"

2. "Who will you be sleeping with in 2000 -- Gore or Bush?"

1. "Did you bring a clip?"

Tom Papa: No Time for Romance

This is the romantic story of my life; the woman Im going to marry. Romance till the end of time. But then you have kids and pets and in-laws and mortgages and all this other crap. Theres no time for romance. We are now business partners in this awful non-profit organization.

A man called and asked the che

A man called and asked the chemist, "My doctor ordered this prescription of ninety cholesterol pills for me. I got it filled at your chemist shop.
As I was reaching towards the end of bottle a packet dropped out.
It instructed 'Do Not Eat'. Well that was three days ago, can you tell me when should I start eating now again. because I'm starving."

Columbus Day always reminds me...

Columbus Day always reminds me of the brave exploration party Columbus assembled in 1492, with all four ships sailing off into the unknown. You remember the names of his four ships: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria and the Clyde. You don't hear too much about the Clyde anymore, since that's the one that sailed over the edge.

“Are you a sleepy ske

“Are you a sleepy skeleton? Because you look bone tired.”

Congratulate Them

When do you congratulate someone for their mistake?
On their Wedding Day!