Popular jokes (16246 to 16260)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Cannibals and Politicians
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...Broiled Missionary: $25.00
Fried Explorer: $35.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
“I tried talking to m
“I tried talking to my dentist during a cleaning, but my words got flossed in translation.”
Bishop & the Bellringers
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bellringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I'm more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Strange New Battles
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
There w
There was an orphan boy who developed a peculiar phobia some time after his parents died: It seems the lad would go into absolute hysterics whenever he saw – get this – a group of musicians chewing fresh wintergreen sprigs!Age is a funny thing....
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm 4 and half."
You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!!
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed???
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away...
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone...
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there...Into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!!
Age is a funny thing.
While Shirley was dining out w
While Shirley was dining out with her children, a man came over to their table and started talking.He asked where Shirley's kids went to school. She told him they home-schooled.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if her husband is the sole breadwinner for their family.
"No, I also work ... from inside our home."
Then, noticing her two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital her son was born in.
"He was born at home," she answered.
The man looked at Shirley for a moment, and then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
Really funny jokes-Composed old man
So his entire family gathered around his hospital bed and as family members do, everybody tried to cheep him up.
"Your face looks brighter today," said his wife.
"You seem to be breathing much easier," said his son.
"You look fresh", added a nephew.
The old man, as composed as ever, remarked "Thank God! It's good to learn that I am going to die a cured man!"
Two retired professors were va
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting in rocking chairs on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes, and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
Just Fred
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," the driver replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
A minister dies and is waiting
A minister dies and is waiting in line at thePearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressedin sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, andjeans.Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, sothat I may know whether or not to admit you tothe Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, ofNoo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and saysto the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe andgolden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe andstaff, and it's the minister's turn. He standserect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor ofSaint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to theminister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staffand enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was ataxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter."While you preached, people slept; while he drove,people prayed."
What A Large Crowd
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
