Popular jokes (16471 to 16485)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
“Why did the man stan
“Why did the man stand on a clock? He really wanted to be on time.”
Get The Job Done
"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."
Short funny jokes-Hide cash
A. That's not difficult, just put it in the bathroom, below the soap.
The 25 BBS Commandments
- Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
- Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
- Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
- Honor thy SysOp.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
- Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
- Thou shalt use the English language properly.
- Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
- Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
- Thou shalt help other users.
- Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
- Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
- Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
- Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
- Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
- Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
- If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
- Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
- Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.
- Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
- Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.
- Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
- Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
- Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
- Thou shalt not hack.
Business One-liners 64
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.
If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If I your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
Top Ten Questions I Would Have Asked Monica Lewinsky
10. "Are you as completely sick of yourself as the rest ofthe planet?"
9. "Technically, I'm President of the Late Show -- is that
anything?"
8. "Can Vernon Jordan help me get my old job back at NBC?"
7. "Could you get Clinton to do something about those weird
Old Navy
commercials?"
6. "Did you ever have sex with the president while he was
talking to me?"
5. "Do you know how much easier you've made my job over the
last 14 months?"
4. "What's this about you possibly running for senator from
New York?"
3. "Where do you see yourself in 10 affairs?"
2. "Who will you be sleeping with in 2000 -- Gore or Bush?"
1. "Did you bring a clip?"
Winter Olympics
Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? (England)
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North.....oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA) A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it.
A man went into a dentist and ...
A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".The Adventures of Bill Clinton
It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.
Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
[President Bill]
Hello! Hello!
[Voice on the line]
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
[President Bill]
Oh no!!!
He said he wouldn't do that!
That dirty, rotten jerk!
Bill slams the phone down. He goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle.
President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
[Voice on the line]
Mr. President, is this a drill?
[President Bill]
Listen to me.
We're being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.
[Voice on the line]
Are you sure, sir?
[President Bill]
Yes!!!
Fire the missiles!!!
Fire the missiles now!!!
[Voice on the line]
OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.
[President Bill]
Thank you, son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair. Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
[Aid]
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn't it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kind of pale.
You OK Bill?
Bill???
“When I was young, I
“When I was young, I wanted to study archaeology, but my dad thought it was nothing more than a lot of skullduggery ...”
A minister dies and is waiting
A minister dies and is waiting in line at thePearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressedin sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, andjeans.Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, sothat I may know whether or not to admit you tothe Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, ofNoo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and saysto the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe andgolden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe andstaff, and it's the minister's turn. He standserect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor ofSaint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to theminister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staffand enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was ataxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter."While you preached, people slept; while he drove,people prayed."
