Popular jokes (16966 to 16980)

Lunatics
Three lunatics...

Lunatics
Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"

So Bill Gates and the chairman...

So Bill Gates and the chairman of GM are arguing over which company is better.

Bill Gates boasts, " If cars grew in technology as fast as computers did, we would be driving v-32 instead of v-8, our cars would get 5000 miles to the gallon, the top speed would be mach seven, and the sticker price for a car would be 50 dollars."

At which the GM chairman replies, "Sure, but would you really want a car that crashes 4 times a day?"

They found the cure for marsup

They found the cure for marsupial diarrhea in Koala Lumper.

An Ideal Marriage

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

A warthog hits this lady and t...

A warthog hits this lady and the husband calls 911.

The operator asks, "Where are you at"?

The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."

The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"

"Well... I'll just drag her over to Oak so you can you pick her up there?"

The Denver Broncos quarterback...

The Denver Broncos quarterback bought part of the team. It's being called the Tebow stake.

Before...

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

“The origami artist w...

“The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.”

Drunken man staggers in to a C...

Drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract
his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on
the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no tissue
paper in this one either."

What am I supposed to do with this?

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

A man and a little boy entered

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

I have a Muslim friend who lov

I have a Muslim friend who loves to drink alcohol. His name? Mo' hammered.

Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. "

"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people."

"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing, hottrouble1 and curtis

Really funny jokes-Crime scene

A pistachio pun is nu

A pistachio pun is nut thing to be proud of.