Popular jokes (16996 to 17010)

17 days

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"

Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

If I'm Counting Right

If I'm counting right...
It's been ‘one of those days' for three years now.

An overweight blonde consulted

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Mitch Fatel: Psychic Porno Spam

That porno spam is bad stuff, boy, because I want to delete it, but its almost like they have a chip in my head or something. Because I get these emails -- theyre like: Do you like hot, young girls in thigh-high stockings? Yeah. Do you have a credit card? I sure do. Do you want to add three inches onto your penis? Whos been reading my diary?

Just Checking

A 5-year-old said grace at a family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you for these pancakes.”
When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.
He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if he was paying attention tonight.”

Chuck Norris recently added "m...

Chuck Norris recently added "moose" to his list of "animals that tried to fight me and lost."

I pray before every archery ma

I pray before every archery match. Aimin' to that.

A new receptionist started wor

A new receptionist started work in a psychiatrist's office, but at the end of her first day he felt he had to have a quietword with her.
"Your general approach is fine," he said, "but try saying 'We're very busy' rather than 'It's a madhouse.'"

Brakes on

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

“The European snow st

“The European snow storm was so bad it caused a continental drift.”

Turbulent Times

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

Have you heard about the new m

Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They're called "Predickamints".

Steven Spielberg was busy disc...

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

Drew Fraser: Settling Down

Trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.

Much mayo on bagel

“My political opponent claimed I used too much mayo on my bagel. It was a smear tactic.”