Popular jokes (17311 to 17325)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Funny jokes-Huge wife
Dave said to his friend Peter, "My wife is so huge, she was relaxing on the beach when the coastguard asked her to move because the tide was waiting to come in."
Peter, not to be left behind, replied, "You got to hear about my wife then. She is so big, she was sitting on the beach the other day when Greenpeace tried to refloat her."
Peter, not to be left behind, replied, "You got to hear about my wife then. She is so big, she was sitting on the beach the other day when Greenpeace tried to refloat her."
#joke
How does a short-order cook wi...
How does a short-order cook wish you good luck?#joke #short
Really funny jokes-Things to remember during War
War jokes
1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.
1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.
#joke
A fellow bought a new Mercedes...
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him."There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 120, 140.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
#joke #policeman #friday
Customer Support Log #jokes
Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Support: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
Support: "Went away?"
Customer:"They disappeared."
Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Support: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?"
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer: ......"Yes, I think so."
Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Customer: ......"Yes, it is."
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer: ......"Okay, here it is."
Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Customer: "I can't reach."
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
Support: "Dark?
Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer:"I can't."
Support: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
Support: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
#joke
Holmes and Watson went to a ve
Holmes and Watson went to a vegan restaurant that served only tree dishes. Watson asked Holmes how he would order. Sherlock replied “Elm entree, my dear.”#joke #short
Actual Personals From Jewish Newspapers
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Paddy didn't know what the si
Paddy didn't know what the sign in the Dublin store window meant when he concocted an idea.The sign said "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "Shaun, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Belfast, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Dublin drawl."
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Belfast, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
#joke
Question And Answer Blond Jokes
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
One day, while a blonde was ou
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
#joke #blonde
A beautiful young girl is abou
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor.Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.
When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
#joke
