Popular jokes (17431 to 17445)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Reincarnation Surprise
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyrone!
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces! #joke #short
Who's there?
Tyrone!
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces!
It was only her second date wi
It was only her second date with a diehard baseball fan, and Sally was a little nervous. It was her fault they arrived at the ballpark a full hour after the game had started. Taking her seat, Sally glanced up at the scoreboard. It was a tight pitcher’s battle, bottom of the fifth, 0-0. “Look, John,” she exclaimed with relief, “we haven’t missed a thing.”"So let me get this straight,"
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.""That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
The defendant replies, "It was easier than having to shoot a different man everyday!"
Bad Day of Golf
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
The Rabbi's Confessional
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to
leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend
from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The
rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little
bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the
priest are in the
confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He
says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the
priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this
week, three for $5."
The psychiatrist was interview
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient."You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You do?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
Old hockey injury
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. Just an old hockey injury that acts up once in awhile."
Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy replied, "No, I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television...."
Why did the soldier scream as
Why did the soldier scream as he carried burning rubble from the backpacker's hotel?Lengthy sermons...
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
You Could Feed Them A Lot Faster
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
Farmer Gossman goes to the vet
Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."
Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.
The vet says, "What happened?"
Farmer Gossman says, "The horse farted first."
